Monday, June 19, 2017

Your Narcissist Mom and Grand kids - A Hierarchy Of Love

If you are still in contact with your Narc Mom, have you noticed that she treats her grand kids differently?  Have you noticed she does not view love as endless, but as a limited supply?

Narc Grandmas tend to rank grand kids like this:

Most favored grandchild
This is the kid that gets what ever he or she wants.  This is basically a golden child, but it's a golden grandchild.  The NM sees herself in this child and tries to mold this one into whatever she wants from a perfect grand child.

Middle grand kids
These are a group of grand kids that are encouraged to fight for grandmas love.  Love can be earned by doing whatever grandma wants them to do.  This can mean reporting back things about parents, taking up hobbies grandma wants them to take up or whatever other criteria grandma picks.  My NM was not a flamboyant narc, so she did not love grand kids who got awards.  Getting an award and expecting grandma to go moved you down the list, not up the list.  Each Narc Grandma sets her own criteria for scratching your way to the "loved" category.

Lower Middle grand kids
These are pretty much ignored by grandma.  She may or may not remember their birthdays and she does not show them love or affection.  They are just not the grand kids she asked for, so they probably should not exist.   They are encouraged to suck up to grandma just in case she should decide to lower them down a rung to Least Loved.

Least Loved grand kid
Basically the scapegoat grand child.  If this is one of your kids, I encourage you to protect this child from your mom.  I had the unfortunate situation of having the least loved grand child.  At 3 years old, he could not talk.  After an entire day of struggling to get his needs met, sometimes he would breakdown and cry out of frustration.  My NM called him spoiled and coddled and thought he needed a good spanking.  Spankings cure inability to communicate, and since I had them growing up, I knew she meant he needed a good beating.  Do not ever leave the least loved grand kid alone with your narc mom!  She detests this child and if they are left with her, they will be punished or abused.

It is important to see your mom for what she is and protect your kids from her.  If you grew up in an abusive home like I did, you know she will pass that down to her grand kids.  Narcissists are not capable of loving all their grand kids equally and they will abuse the least loved.  Protect your kids!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Six Things You Need To Know About Narcissist Hoovering After Discard

A narcissist does not want you to move on and have a good life.  The best thing you can do to get revenge on a narc friend, co-worker, spouse or parent is to have a good life without them in it.  A narcissist will discard you at a moment’s notice and tell you that you are out of their life forever.   You are in shock.  You felt like your relationship with the narc was perfect, that you were meant to have met, that it was destiny…then they leave.  It hurts.  You are in disbelief and shocked.  You mourn the loss of the relationship, but just when you are at the edge of finally being able to fully move on, it comes…..


The narc who said they would never talk to you again contacts you.  This is bait.  You have to decide if you will take it or not.  The most difficult thing you will ever do is resist bait.  The reason is that the bait was planned for you personally from the day the narc met you.  The narc got to know you and what you wanted in life with the intention of being able to use what you love to get you back into their cycle of abuse.  What do we know about bait?

1.       The bait is personalized for you and you alone.   Some people a simple, “Hi” will get the narc back into their lives.  Others need more and will have a verse to a favorite song or a note that the narc was thinking about you, or the narc still has a gift you gave to them.  Some narcs go all out and swear they will change if you only allow them back into your life.

2.       The bait worked before.   The narc knew you were vulnerable because they have done this before.  It worked and the narc was able to keep his options open.   He needs supply.   He needs you to be around waiting for him, thinking about him. 

3.       The bait is intended to keep you from moving on with a productive life.  The last thing the narc wants is for you to move on with your life.  Some want you to be the side chick for the rest of their lives, others just want you to hurt and think about the relationship you lost..the fake one. 

4.       If you take the bait, you make the narcissist feel powerful and in control.  By not taking the bait, you make the narcissist feel small and insignificant, although they will never admit that to you. 

5.       The bait feeds the narc’s ego.  It is intended to see if they still control you.  If you take the bait, the narc knows you still pine for him or her and feels powerful and feeds their image of themselves as a god like person that can get anything they want.

6.       The bait is to get something from you.  Whether it is sex, affirmation, money or just attention, the narc is baiting you to fill their own personal need, not yours.   The narc does not love you; he or she loves themselves through you.  You are a vessel to make them feel good, but a new one works better and you will always be discarded for new supply.

Now comes the hard part.  Will you take the bait?  Will you allow the hoovering to work?  Do you want a lifetime of abuse or do you want to move on? 

Ask yourself this question.  Has the narc done this before?  Was the narc hoovering someone when you were together?  Is this what you want for your life?

The best way to get revenge on a narc is to move on.  When you move on and do not take the hoovering bait, the narc feels small, powerless and worthless.  This was the opposite of what the narc wanted, he or she wanted YOU to feel small, powerless and worthless and it backfired!   The narc will not understand why it did not work, and he will sit and stew over it and feel a sense of worthlessness and then he will go about his business and find new supply to make him feel better.   The bait may come once, twice or multiple times and it will be personally suited to you, but the power is in your hands.  If you take the bait, you feed the narcissist.  If you go no contact and have a happy life, the narc has no choice but to move on.