Saturday, October 21, 2017

Types of Narcissists - Characteristics

There are some very broad types of narcissists, but that I can find, no one has taken it down to individual characteristics.  When we talk about a serial killer, we have many different types, yet when we talk about narcissists, we have flamboyant and covert and not much else. 

Let's start with the basics:

Overt vs Covert
An overt narcissist is the flamboyant narc.  They have grandiose fantasies.  They are the life of the party and can ruin it in a split second.

A covert narcissist is "shy".  They still have fantasies, but worry comes into play and they are not flamboyant in public.    I have found a very good article that discusses the two types here  or if you like seeing chart style,

Possessive vs Non-Possesive
The possessive narc wants to own you.  This is a dangerous type of narc and this narc can kill you.  This narc grabs hold of you and does not want to let go.  This narc will try to force you into a relationship quickly. Some may try to have a family with you quickly, while others may be happy to just move in. 

The non-possessive narc is most likely to use you for sex then move onto someone else.  You start out the relationship thinking you have met your soulmate but soon come to realize that you are a booty call. 

Cheaters vs Faithful
Believe it or not there ARE some faithful narcs.  I would say 1% or less, but they are out there.  If you cant decide, assume your narc is a cheater until their faithfulness has been proven.

Dependent vs Independent
The dependent narc will try to get you to support him or her.  You start out dating someone, then they ask for money to help with a bill, or go out to dinner and ask if you can pay for it because they are short of cash.  Before you know it, this narc has moved in with you and has become a leech.  You can't ditch the narc because you can't get them out of your life.  This narc might have a job, but chances are, once they move in with you, the job vanishes and you are left as the breadwinner. 

The independent narc has a job and a life outside of you.  You may not even know about parts of their life.  They may offer to take you on trips, but there is always a price to pay.

Mobile vs Immobile
Does your narc have a job that allows him to move often?  Long distance truck driver? Contract work?  If ;your narc moves about the country finding new supply in each location, this is a mobile narc.  This is the type of narc that has a girl in every port.  As long as the supply does not find out about the other supplies, everything is good.  Some may move about often, while others may build relationships then jump to the next contract in a different part of the country and be gone. 

In contrast, an Immobile narc stays put in the same location, finding new supply as often as they wish.

Hoover vs Dump Cold
Most narcs will try to get the supply back into the relationship at some point.  Some will triangulate when they have a new supply while others may wait a little longer, then work on getting you back into the relationship.

Dump Cold narcs are done with you when they are done with you.  When this cold hearted narc is finished with you, you are out of their life for good.  Your purpose has been served and you are no longer of use to them, so you are gone.  No hoovering, it's just over.

You can categorize any narc in this way from narcs you work with, to same sex "friend" narcs, parent narcs and lover narcs.   Try it..what is your narc type?

My mother:  Covert, Non-possessive, Faithful, dependent, Immobile, Hoover
My former narc friend:   Overt, non-possessive, faithful, Independent, Mobile, Dump Cold

Friday, October 6, 2017

How the Narcissist won you over for life

From the first time he smiled at you, he had one goal.  That goal was to make you love him.  He wants your undying devotional love and he knows just how to get it. 

The Love Bomb
First he love bombs you.  He cant live without you.  You are everything he ever wanted in a woman.  He wants to know everything about you today.  No waiting around, he wants you now.  You can do no wrong.  You love who you are when you are with him because he figures out what motivates you and he goes for it.  Feel insecure about your hips?  He will find a way to casually tell you that you have the sexiest hips he has ever seen.  He will act as if he is building your ego, but it is all an act.

The narc wants you to be exclusive, even if he is not. The mistake that victims make is becoming exclusive when he is not.  Sleeping with a narc does not mean he is exclusive, it means he had sex with you.  Do not give exclusivity too soon, you need to make a full life that involves your boyfriend, not one that revolves around him.

The Test
You are casually talking to your narc one day when he slips in a comment about talking to another woman.  He moves over it so quickly as if it's nothing, then he goes back to singing your praises. A person with high self esteem will see right through this and will back him up, make him explain why he is talking to someone else and will probably break up with him right then. 

The Turn
One day you notice that the narc has not texted you today.  It's out of the ordinary, he usually texts you dozens of times a day.  By this time, you are so into him, that you miss his texts, so you text him back.  Instead of being met with a loving text, you are slammed and blamed.   He texts you dozens of times a day and now suddenly your one text is "smothering" or "annoying". 

The Discard That Isn't The End
He dumps you.  You never saw it coming.  He went back to his ex-girlfriend, or found someone who understands him, or one of many other excuses, but you are suddenly so last week.  It was like someone dumped you off the see saw when you were up high.  You slam to the ground, lost. 

The Bait
You work hard to get over him.  You spend many days crying while he enjoys his time with his latest fling.  One night when you feel you can finally move on without him, you get the text.  He says he misses you.  He baits you with whatever words he thinks you want to hear.  Anything to get you back while he also has his new supply.  Will you take the bait?

The Life of Longing
He wants you to be there when he calls or texts, but does not want you to bother him otherwise.  He wants you to spend the rest of your life longing to see him.  Is that what you want?

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Two Faces Of Narcissism - You Will Pay

The narcissist has become very good at hiding their true selves and projecting a fake identity to the world.  Many of them practice this fake identity until they have it down. 

I did not realize it at the time, but my mother had perfected this tool.  She took "company voice" to a whole new level.  One day she somehow got roped into teaching my Sunday school class.  I am not sure how, because she hated being told she needed to participate in anything.  I was too young at the time to figure this out, so I am uncertain how she was convinced to do something she did not want to do. 

We sat in class while she told us a bible story.  She then said we were going to discuss today's topic of old people in nursing homes.  She said that these people can be very lonely and they would love someone to visit them.  She went around the room asking who we knew that could be visited.  I only knew one person in a nursing home and that was My great grandmother's husband, Roy.  My great grandmother had married Roy later in life and she had recently passed away, but he was still living in a nursing home.  When my mother asked me who I knew in a nursing home that I could visit, I stated that we could visit Roy, and my mother beamed a smile at me and said, "That is a very good idea, I am so glad you thought of him".  I was surprised my mother complimented me and it made me so excited.  I had been programmed to keep her happy, and I was sure she was happy with me for my comment. 

After church, we got into the car and I asked when we were going to go visit Roy.  At that moment, the evil true self of my mother showed up.  It was so fast that it startled me.  She whipped her head around and glared at me with hate in her eyes.  The evil in her eyes was deep as she glared at me, not saying a word.  I asked, "What?". I had no clue what had caused my mother's true self to show up. I thought she had been pleased with me.

My mother responded, "That man is nothing to us and don't you EVER talk about visiting him again".  She then went on a rant telling my dad how I had suggested to everyone in my class that we should go visit Roy, who was not even related to us.  She said she had never been so embarrassed in her life.   She felt I should be punished for interrupting her class. Of course my father agreed, he always agreed with anything the witch demanded.  I got punished for answering a question that I was directly asked. 

That is narcissism.  If you don't follow the rules you pay.  I am not sure what my mother wanted me to answer, but I did not give the answer she desired, so I had to pay. 

In what ways has the narcissist made you pay?

Monday, September 25, 2017

Narcissists and Body Shaming

Whether your narcissist is a parent, sibling, spouse or boyfriend, body shaming is one of the ways that they can control you and keep you subservient.   Unfortunately, most women view their bodies as flawed and the narc picks up on this and feeds on it. 

My mother used to tell me that my breasts were "retarded" and that she knew this because in school they showed pictures of "retarded" boobs and they look just like mine.  She also used to take me school shopping each year and insist I go to the Husky sizes first.  I had to prove to her every single year that I was NOT husky.  My weight was NORMAL!   I was so embarrassed to come out of the dressing room wearing pants that I had to hold up because they were six inches larger than my waist and at least four inches too short.  It was meant to humiliate me and put me in my place before we shopped for real clothes for school.

I later dated a guy who told me that if I had a crease where my behind ended and my thighs began that I was too fat.  A crease is normal there.  He would constantly tell me he felt I was gaining weight and getting too fat.  I was 5'4" and weighed 102lbs, yet I was not thin enough for him, he felt I bordered on obese.  He cheated on me and when I found out and as crying, he told me she was nothing like me, that she did not have an ounce of fat on her body anywhere.  He said she was a good five inches taller than me and weighed less and he could not pass that up.  She was very lucky and saw through him quickly. He pointed out a flaw in her and she asked him to leave and never come back.  I know this because the narc did what narcs do and came running back to me with the perfect act of repentance.  He did not have fresh supply lined up yet, so he needed me. 

What can we do? 
I think the new girlfriend had the right idea.  No one has the right to critique your body except you and any person that tries is not your friend.   If someone says to you, "Hon, have you considered a boob job?", your answer should be, "No, but I am considering removing negativity from my life and I think you need to leave now".   

I no longer talk to my mom, but if she were to mention a body flaw, I would state, "I am glad you were able to point that out, but it's not your place and I need you to keep negative thoughts to yourself".

If you are on the phone, it's easy.  State, "Hey, I am kinda busy, can I call you back later?".  Get off the phone immediately.  Do not reward negative behaviors by staying on the phone.  You do not need to give a reason. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

What Does No Contact Mean?

Whether your narc is your mom, brother, sister, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, you decided it is time to go no contact.  This is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It requires commitment and a plan. 

What exactly is no contact?

1) No contact means never speaking the person's name to anyone who knows them.
     This one can be pretty tough.  Your sister calls and wants to talk about the narc.  What will you say?  I planned my response out prior to going no contact.  I have more than one narc in my life because I attract them.  If I am on the phone with the person and a narc is brought up, I say, "Hey, something has come up and I will need to call you back later".  I then get off the phone as quickly as possible.  They quickly learn that to talk to me over the phone they need to not bring up the narc. 

In person, I try not responding at all to the comment and changing the subject myself.  If the person says, "narc asked about you", I say, "Did you tell me your daughter just got a new job, said her first word, rode a bike for the first time?".  If that does not work, it's time to bring out the more direct comments.  If someone brings up my narc mother in person, I reply, "I don't talk about the woman who birthed me, we need to change the subject".   If someone brings up the narc who called herself my best friend, I respond, "I haven't spoken to or about that person in a really long time, and I am not about to start now."  I then offer a new subject.

Yes this is hard.  I meet with some of my family members a few times a year (we live far apart) and they always try to bring up the narc.  If they continue bringing up the narc in conversation when we meet, I stop meeting with them.  They bring no joy into my life if they talk about the narc.

If you feel like you need to talk about the narc to someone there are groups online for that where no one knows the narc.  You can hash out your feelings without talking badly about the narc to people you both know.  I would suggest finding a group and talking about your situation.

2)  No contact means not reading correspondence 
The narc will try to get you to break this one because once you read an email, you are forced to make a decision.  The narc sends a letter or an email in an attempt to get a response from you.  It is bait.  If you open it, you took the bait and must now make a decision.  The narc knows you, the contents will be good.  They will try to force you to act.  Will you take the bait?

3) No contact means not opening gifts
Send them back unopened. No excuses here, you cant accept gifts from someone you don't talk to.

4) No contact means not stalking them on facebook or other venues
They can and probably will stalk you, but each and every time you open their facebook looking for info, they win.  They WANT you to long for them.  They WANT you to look at what they are doing without you.  Moving on is the best thing you can do and that does not involve curiosity about the narcs life without you.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Blocking the Narcissist on Facebook - You can block someone who has blocked YOU!

Click Settings (top right pulldown)
Click Blocking (on  your left menu 5th down)
type the person's facebook name into the box and hit enter

You will be given a list of people you can block and you simply pick them out of the list and they are now blocked

If you want more support in dealing with the Narc in your life, join us on facebook.  FACEBOOK GROUP

Facebook had a pause between when you could block and unblock someone, but until now, you could not block someone that blocked you.  My narc would unblock me to spy then re-block me.  NO MORE!!!

While you are here, take a look at some of my favorite narc books.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Your Narcissist Mom and Grand kids - A Hierarchy Of Love

If you are still in contact with your Narc Mom, have you noticed that she treats her grand kids differently?  Have you noticed she does not view love as endless, but as a limited supply?

Narc Grandmas tend to rank grand kids like this:

Most favored grandchild
This is the kid that gets what ever he or she wants.  This is basically a golden child, but it's a golden grandchild.  The NM sees herself in this child and tries to mold this one into whatever she wants from a perfect grand child.

Middle grand kids
These are a group of grand kids that are encouraged to fight for grandmas love.  Love can be earned by doing whatever grandma wants them to do.  This can mean reporting back things about parents, taking up hobbies grandma wants them to take up or whatever other criteria grandma picks.  My NM was not a flamboyant narc, so she did not love grand kids who got awards.  Getting an award and expecting grandma to go moved you down the list, not up the list.  Each Narc Grandma sets her own criteria for scratching your way to the "loved" category.

Lower Middle grand kids
These are pretty much ignored by grandma.  She may or may not remember their birthdays and she does not show them love or affection.  They are just not the grand kids she asked for, so they probably should not exist.   They are encouraged to suck up to grandma just in case she should decide to lower them down a rung to Least Loved.

Least Loved grand kid
Basically the scapegoat grand child.  If this is one of your kids, I encourage you to protect this child from your mom.  I had the unfortunate situation of having the least loved grand child.  At 3 years old, he could not talk.  After an entire day of struggling to get his needs met, sometimes he would breakdown and cry out of frustration.  My NM called him spoiled and coddled and thought he needed a good spanking.  Spankings cure inability to communicate, and since I had them growing up, I knew she meant he needed a good beating.  Do not ever leave the least loved grand kid alone with your narc mom!  She detests this child and if they are left with her, they will be punished or abused.

It is important to see your mom for what she is and protect your kids from her.  If you grew up in an abusive home like I did, you know she will pass that down to her grand kids.  Narcissists are not capable of loving all their grand kids equally and they will abuse the least loved.  Protect your kids!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Six Things You Need To Know About Narcissist Hoovering After Discard

A narcissist does not want you to move on and have a good life.  The best thing you can do to get revenge on a narc friend, co-worker, spouse or parent is to have a good life without them in it.  A narcissist will discard you at a moment’s notice and tell you that you are out of their life forever.   You are in shock.  You felt like your relationship with the narc was perfect, that you were meant to have met, that it was destiny…then they leave.  It hurts.  You are in disbelief and shocked.  You mourn the loss of the relationship, but just when you are at the edge of finally being able to fully move on, it comes…..


The narc who said they would never talk to you again contacts you.  This is bait.  You have to decide if you will take it or not.  The most difficult thing you will ever do is resist bait.  The reason is that the bait was planned for you personally from the day the narc met you.  The narc got to know you and what you wanted in life with the intention of being able to use what you love to get you back into their cycle of abuse.  What do we know about bait?

1.       The bait is personalized for you and you alone.   Some people a simple, “Hi” will get the narc back into their lives.  Others need more and will have a verse to a favorite song or a note that the narc was thinking about you, or the narc still has a gift you gave to them.  Some narcs go all out and swear they will change if you only allow them back into your life.

2.       The bait worked before.   The narc knew you were vulnerable because they have done this before.  It worked and the narc was able to keep his options open.   He needs supply.   He needs you to be around waiting for him, thinking about him. 

3.       The bait is intended to keep you from moving on with a productive life.  The last thing the narc wants is for you to move on with your life.  Some want you to be the side chick for the rest of their lives, others just want you to hurt and think about the relationship you lost..the fake one. 

4.       If you take the bait, you make the narcissist feel powerful and in control.  By not taking the bait, you make the narcissist feel small and insignificant, although they will never admit that to you. 

5.       The bait feeds the narc’s ego.  It is intended to see if they still control you.  If you take the bait, the narc knows you still pine for him or her and feels powerful and feeds their image of themselves as a god like person that can get anything they want.

6.       The bait is to get something from you.  Whether it is sex, affirmation, money or just attention, the narc is baiting you to fill their own personal need, not yours.   The narc does not love you; he or she loves themselves through you.  You are a vessel to make them feel good, but a new one works better and you will always be discarded for new supply.

Now comes the hard part.  Will you take the bait?  Will you allow the hoovering to work?  Do you want a lifetime of abuse or do you want to move on? 

Ask yourself this question.  Has the narc done this before?  Was the narc hoovering someone when you were together?  Is this what you want for your life?

The best way to get revenge on a narc is to move on.  When you move on and do not take the hoovering bait, the narc feels small, powerless and worthless.  This was the opposite of what the narc wanted, he or she wanted YOU to feel small, powerless and worthless and it backfired!   The narc will not understand why it did not work, and he will sit and stew over it and feel a sense of worthlessness and then he will go about his business and find new supply to make him feel better.   The bait may come once, twice or multiple times and it will be personally suited to you, but the power is in your hands.  If you take the bait, you feed the narcissist.  If you go no contact and have a happy life, the narc has no choice but to move on.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

How to Make Your Narc Ex Miss You

Just like when you were kids on the see saw, you thought things were going great, and the other person hopped off with no warning crashing you down.  You thought the relationship was great, or you thought that it had its problems but that the two of you could work on them.

It seemed out of the blue.  Maybe he or she found new supply and left you for them, or maybe you walked in and found your significant other cheating on you.  Either way, the two of you broke up and you want him to miss you like you miss him! I refer to a male, but a woman can do the same thing, its just easier to choose a sex and go with it.

First, lets get to the real issue.  You miss the narc.  You miss how the narc made you feel when you were with him.  You miss the person the narc sold you, which was a lie.  You want the narc to feel the same.  You want him to miss you.  So what do you do?

First off, write him or her a quick email or text and tell them that you do not want a bad or nasty breakup, that you are sorry that the relationship did not work out.  This helps you end the relationship in your mind and gives you high ground.  He cannot go running to new supply with, "look what that witch said..".

Next, you will not have sex with the narc ever again, no matter what.  The two of you have broken up.  If the narc wants you to have sex, it is not because he loves you, it is because he wants sex.  He also has not had time to look for new supply, so he is going back to old supply.  Sex to the narc is not a way of showing love, it is sex.  When the narc asks you for sex, ask him if he went back to old supply when the two of you were together, then end the conversation.

You need limited to no contact.  If your narc is happy with no contact, that tells you something.  He has moved on before he even got out of the relationship.  At this point, phoning, emailing, texting him will make you look pitiful.  Since that is not who you are, you will not do it.  If you feel weak and want to call him, I do have a suggestion that I will get to later.  You are going to limit contact only to the bare essentials.  If you have kids, draft an email letting him know when he may contact you by phone (emergency involving kids), when he may contact you by email (non-urgent) and when he should send you a text (if he will be late).  He is not to phone you to ask how your mom is doing, that is not his concern.  If he phones, you answer, "what is the emergency?"  If he stalls, hang up.  Do NOT allow him to break the boundary you have set.    This also means deleting him off facebook and any other application where he can see you.  You will want him on ignore.  There is no reason for him to see you on facebook, ever.  Ignore him and his friends and family (unless it's his mom who has a relationship with your kids).  The few people who are left need to be put on the acquaintance list.  Make your posts "friends except acquaintance" and they see nothing.    You will NOT initiate any contact with him.  Yes, this is hard...but you have to.  The exception is if you have kids and need to email him and then it is only to be an email about the kids.

Your best shot at making the narc miss you is by living a life that does not include him.  He wants supply.  He wants someone he can phone 3 years from now and say, "hey, I miss you" and get sex.  You will not be this person.  You want someone in your life who loves you for who you are and wants to be in your life for the day to day contact, not someone who phones you for sex.   You downgraded his priority and made your self respect your highest priority.  Narcs do not want you to do that!    If you are in contact and an argument starts, it is highly important that you end the conversation immediately.  Do NOT argue with the narc.  How to do this is simply... you say, "Hey, I'm kinda busy right now, can I call you back later?" And hang up.

What will you do during this time?  You will work on yourself and your self confidence.  Try something new, join a meetup group, do something you have always wanted to do.  Besides that, you need to mourn the person that the narc sold you.  How do you do that?  Realize that the narc sold you a lie.  A person that does not exist.  You will need to picture in your mind splitting the narc into 2 people.  The first person is the narc in his true form.  Think about all the terrible things he has done to you. The other is the lie the narc sold you.  To mourn this narc, you can get an object that reminds you of him.  It can be something as simple as his name on a slip of paper.  Next you will write a letter to the narc.  Take a few days if necessary.  Be sure to include everything you can think of.  Write it out.  Go for a walk someplace nearby and bury the person that never existed.  Dig a small hole.  Put the keepsake into the hole and read the note outloud.  Put the note into the hole and bury the entire thing.  Mark the location.  If you want to phone the narc, you will need to walk to this location and talk to the "grave" instead of phoning them.

The narc will notice.  HE WILL notice that you aren't doing what he expected.  He expected to be begged back.  He expected you to want him so badly that you would have sex with him knowing you are the other woman.  He expected that you had so little self esteem that this would be EASY.  He will not understand what happened.  He will not understand why you are not calling him, texting him, begging him.  He will wonder why you won't have sex with him.  His plan always works, yet it did not with you..... That is the ONLY way to get a narc to think about you after discard.

You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.

For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Handing Over Control To The Narc

One thing that bugs me is that we hand over control to the narcs in our lives, then complain about it.

How many times have you heard someone say:

My mother in law kicked us out of her house, so we are homeless
My mom went through everything in my room
If I leave the narc, I won't have a job because I work for him

Seriously?  Why do we hand over our lives to these narcs?

If you live in a narcs house where the mortgage is in the narc's name, they have every right to play narc.  It is their home.  You are a guest in it.  If you don't like it, move out.

Never borrow money from a narc, never take a job from a narc.  These are plots to bring you in line and force you under their control.

If you find yourself in this situation now, make a plan to get out.

One person told me that her narc mother in law owned the house they lived in and sold it to them on a verbal land contract.  She said if she moved out, she would lose her 4 years of equity.  Needless to say, narc mother in law kicked her out with three kids and no where to go.  Did it really matter that she would lose equity on a verbal land contract?

Another person emailed me that her narc mom would not stop going through her personal items and always cooked food she hates.  I suggested she make her own meals and make a plan to move out.  She made excuses.  She still lives with her narc mom and probably always will.  She became very offended when I said she cannot complain about a person that pays for the roof over her head (if she is over 18).

Narcs want to make you dependent on them.  If you are dependent on a narc, make a plan to get out.  Find another place to live, find another job.  The narc wants you to feel hopelessly stuck.... are you?
You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.

For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc

Sunday, May 21, 2017

How To Spot A Narcissist While Dating

Dating can be fun, but it is also hard, especially when you fear you will end up with a narcissist.  There are some pretty easy ways to sort out a narcissist.    A narcissist may vary his routine up a little, but in general, you will find that he or she does the following things.

#1 The goal is to get you to love him or her (and have sex)

How does this show up?  The narc wants to sell you a person that does not exist.  This lie they make up is the perfect person for you.  When you are on your first date, ask questions.  Narcs tend to have a script and want to follow it because they know it works.  If you start asking questions, it throws them off of their game.

You are on the first date with a narc.  He takes you to a nice restaurant and starts to sell himself.  He tells you his accomplishments, true or false and attempts to make himself out to be a good mate.  He tells you he is a long distance runner and runs each day for hours.  He tells you he was married once, but is a widow.  He hopes that you will assume his wife died while they were together and says it hurts him to talk about it.  You ask if he has kids and he says he has two that are 12 and 15.  He moves on quickly to tell you that his job involves a lot of travel.  You stop him and ask to go back to his kids and you ask if they live with him.  He says no, he lives alone, then he jumps back to his job.  Did you notice?  He is widowed but his kids do not live with him. Why not?  Do not allow him to speed over answers.  Do not allow him to stick to a script.  Ask questions and expect answers.  Chances are, he or she will not want to answer questions. Their goal for this date is to sell you the lie.  If they are to sell you a lie, they want to ask all the questions, they need to mould the lie into the perfect lie for YOU and they can't do that if you keep asking the wrong questions.

A first date is the time for you to decide if your personalities fit.  It is not a time for sex, it is not a time for seeing his apartment, it is not a time for being told he has loved you for months and is just now telling you.

A person that tells you he or she loves you on the first date is probably a narcissist.  Why?

#2 Narcissist are in a hurry. 

 The narcissist goal is to get you to love him or her and have sex.  The narcissist is not willing to wait for either.  They will do something called love bombing.  Love bombing is when they decide they cannot live without you and that they want to talk to you or be near you often.  They will push for sex also.  A narcissist will send you dozens of texts during the day and talk about wanting to be near you.

The narc will need you to fall in love quickly!  He or she cannot move on with the plan if you do not fall in love!

So what do you do if you suspect love bombing?  Make the narc wait.  Tell him or her that you just want to take things slowly and that you have no intention of telling someone you love them for at least four months and that you might not even have sex for the next year.  If your date if just anxious and in love, he or she will respect that.  They love you and they respect you and they will still want to see you while waiting for you.  The narc wants to try to rush and have sex now if possible.  If not now, they want to know it will happen soon.  A friend once told me that after the first date, a narc sent her a pic of his private parts on the phone and suggested she see them in person for the second date and asked for pics of her.  She texted him back that she does not have sex on a second date and she was not the type of person to send dirty pics.  His response, "Then maybe you are not the right person for me :)"

Notice the smile at the end?  He gave himself away, then smiled.  He told her the truth, that he was not interested in her unless she was putting out, but he did it in a playful way so that he could accuse her of misreading it later.

#3 The Narcissist will slip up

Dating is the time when a man sells himself to a woman as a partner.  If you view dating as this, then it becomes easier to spot the narcs.  I saw one video where a guy said a date is a preview to the movie and sometimes the trailer looks really good, but the movie stinks.  Dating is your time to decide if the movie stinks.  I would suggest not having sex and not moving in until you have determined that the person you are dating truly loves you and wants to be with you.

I was with a friend once when her narc boyfriend phoned.  She did not yet know he was a narc, but he gave himself away during that call and she did not notice!  We went out to lunch. First off, he called and texted at least six times before she said she was going to have to take his call (impatience).  We walked to a quiet area where she could take his call and he claimed he "forgot" she was busy for lunch that day.  He then said he wanted to check to see if he got an email response from another lady he had been emailing...while on the phone to my friend.  He quickly followed it up with how much he loved her and bomb bomb bomb.  She ended the call and I asked her why she was dating someone who was "emailing another woman".  She didn't even recall hearing it!  She heard he loves her.  He told her he was seeing someone else, and she did not even hear it.  She said, "I'm sure it's innocent, he loves me".   She found out later, he was cheating and not with just that email woman.  Do not ignore the clues!

#4 The narcissist will love bomb you, but gets angry if you try to love bomb them.

You are in a meeting at work, and get a dozen or more emails and texts from the guy you are dating.  He sends flowers to your office.  He sends flowers to your home.  He makes sure everyone knows you are dating someone.  He goes on a business trip (where he is cheating on you, but you do not know), and you miss him, so you try to phone.  It's 7pm and he should be at his hotel room right now, but your call goes to voicemail.  You tell him you miss him and you will phone him later.  At 8pm, it's odd that he has not phoned you back (because he is with a side chick), and you phone again.  No answer.  At 10pm, before you go to bed, you text him that you love him and are going to bed and you will talk to him tomorrow.  When he phones you the next day, he blows.  How dare you phone him over and over when he is OBVIOUSLY busy!  He will lie that his son phoned and said he was depressed and he could not leave to talk to whiny you!  You are shocked.  When he wants to talk to you, he phones over and over and over with no regard to what you are doing, but now he is angry that you did the same back to him.  How dare you!

If this happens to you, it is best to break up with the person on that phone call.  Love bombing just ended and you will never see it again.

If you fear you are dating a narc, you will need to make goals in dating.

#1 Know the person and their family prior to having sex.

Be comfortable with the person and their family.  If they refuse to allow you to meet family, something is up.

#2 Be comfortable with your date's past

Does your date claim his ex wife is psycho?  Is she? Are you comfortable with knowing that she will be a part of your life if you date him?  What if he made her crazy?

#3 Know your date as a person

You do not have to love every past time your date does, but you do need to appreciate it.  Are they gone long weekends claiming to be doing the hobby but wont let you go?  Are they happy that you want to go and spend time with them even if you dont go on 100 mile bike rides?

#4 Know your dates friends

Does your date have friends that he or she hangs around without you?  That is fine for the first few months, but a serious date will want you to meet their friends.

Narcs want to rush to sex.  They want to rush you falling in love with him or her so they can move onto the next new person.  If you force them to slow down, narcs will not put up with it.  They will move on and a break up after a few dates is much easier than a break up after you have fallen in love with the narc and have his kid.  Do not allow them to rush!

You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.

For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Excuses For Bad Parenting- When Your Narcissist Mom Justifies Her Bad Behavior

How does your mom react to the movie Mommy Dearest?

One of the things narcissist do is to compare themselves to others in an attempt to justify their bad behaviors.  Somehow in their mind, if there is someone out there worse than they are, then they are FINE.  As long as someone is more abused than you, then your mom is not abusive.  I still do not follow the logic behind it, but it was how my narc mom felt.

I recall it from the time I was very small.  Hearing my mom tell stories of how bad other parents were.  My mom loved to lock me out of the house as punishment and one of my aunts found out about it.  My aunt confronted my mom and my mom talked about how there was a woman down the street that did not allow her kids in the house at all during the day, that she set out peanut butter and bread for them at lunchtime.  She would then get this look on her face that told me she was gloating and felt she was a much better mom than that.

I also recall once my sister had a teacher confront her about my mom. My sister told my mom about the accusations and my mom burst into tears.  She could not believe that anyone would question her parenting ability.  She harped about how we were not abused and she couldn't imagine why anyone would think we were.  The only problem was that we were abused.  I had a purse thrown at me once that cut my head, I knew how to hide in the hamper or deep in my closet so she could not find me.

Mommy Dearest came out when I was a young teen and in the prime of her abuse.  She had a good time talking about the movie to any of her friends that would listen.  It was proof that my mom was a good mom!  She never woke us up to clean the bathroom, she never made messes for us to clean up, she was a GOOD mom!  My mom said she would never make us give away our birthday gifts, why that was terrible.  The fact was, we did not have to give away birthday gifts because we never had parties.  We were not allowed.  Why would anyone be allowed to do anything that did not involve my mom as the center of attention?  Forget it!

She also talked about how horrible it was to send your kids away to boarding school!  I could tell by her voice that she was actually jealous of that one.  If my mom could have afforded for us to go to boarding school, we would have been away.

The night before my wedding, my mom pitched the biggest fit I had ever seen.  She did not want me to have a wedding and I was NOT going to have one!  She thought that by pressuring me and ranting that I would cave in and decide not to have one.  I was not going to cancel the wedding and the more I refused, the worse she got.  She came at me in an attempt to "mark my face" so I would cancel "this horrible thing I was making her go to" and that was the one and only time my dad stepped in.  I think he stepped in because he realized that if she hit me and cut my face or bruised me, I was NOT cancelling the wedding, I would go and tell everyone she did it.

Did you see it in your mom?  If you want to read more about narc moms, please check out the books below.  These are my favorite and I have found that it helps to read them...keep them and when you are feeling down, re-read one.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Mother's Day When Your Mom Is A Narcissist

My mom is a covert narc.  She wanted me to fail at life.  When that didn't work, she had to make new plans.  My dad got cancer and one day my mom decided to stop taking my calls.  For a while I begged her machine.  I had no idea what a narc was at the time, but I knew that I had a mom who had to have everything her way or someone was going to pay.

So I did something and I needed to pay.  What did I do?  I'm not sure and I will never know.   I was not the first person she had cut out of her life.  She feels that cutting her out of your life is punishment.  Everyone wants to be her friend and she hates them all.   I saw her cut her sister out of her life.  My grandma was declining and the siblings decided they would take turns having my grandma at their house.  My mom had her for a week and tried to phone my aunt to take her off her hands.  My aunt was on vacation and it made my mom so angry that she never spoke to her again.  She pretended she spoke to her sometimes when people would ask, but I knew she was not taking her calls.  I saw her screening them with my own eyes. 

She also cut a friend out of her life.  This friend would have done anything for us.  My mom refused to drive a car and on the times one of us got sick at school, our neighbor would go get us from school.  She never once complained about it.  She also took us to activities sometimes and I was always grateful for everything she did for us.  My mom on the other hand seethed with resentment.  I am not exactly sure at what point she decided that she would never speak to our neighbor again, but I recall her being insanely jealous over a new car and some carpet.  If you buy something my mom can't afford, you are out of her life.  

These are just two examples of the times I saw my mom cut people out of her life for no decent reason besides that she was done using them, but it happened regularly.  I just never thought it would happen to me, her daughter.  It did.  

At first, I begged.  Then I left her a message that said, "For me to continue to call your answering machine and leave messages seems pitiful, so when you are ready to talk to me again, call me".  

She never phoned me. 

There is much more to the story, but in the end, I decided that stealing the last four years of my dad's life from me and my kids was too great of a price to pay, and when she decided we needed to talk, I told her that she chose to shut us out of her life, and I was choosing not to allow her back into it. 

But Mother's Day hurts. 

I decided that we can celebrate Mother's Day, just like other people do.  

First off, if you are no contact with your mom and you have mourned your mom (I talk about that HERE), go to the grave you made for the mom you never had.  Buy a card and leave it at the grave.  You deserved a mother who loves you and you did not get that.  It's time to mourn the mom you always wanted.  

If you have kids, this day is about you, not your mom.  Celebrate with your kids! Make a new ritual that you do every year with your kids.  I always cook waffles with strawberries on Mother's Day, then if it's raining, we go to a certain museum and if it's not, we go to the botanical garden and walk around.  I tell my kids what I want for them in their lives while we are there.   Find something you can do every year and start your own tradition.  

If you do not have kids and are no contact with your mom, you can still have a tradition that you do each and every year. Make it about you!  What is your favorite thing to do?  Spend alone time reading a book?  Visit a garden and explore?  Take a hike on a trail?  Work on your favorite hobby?  This is a day for you to look forward, not back.  Set some goals or make a vision board.  

If you live with your mom, sorry.  This is one of my pet peeves.  If you live with your mom, you just have to deal.  You are under her roof, she is supporting you, you have to do things her way.  Make a plan to move out.  I find it hard to believe that people talk badly about someone who pays their bills and puts a roof over their head.  Move out. 

If you are stuck with low contact send a card.   This is also a time for you to point out that your spouse has a mom too, and tell her that you can only spend every other Mother's Day with her.  Arrive respectably late and have a specific time that you need to leave.  While you are with your mom, watch out for bait.  When she exclaims that your hair looks like something a 2 year old hacked at, agree with her.  When she says she is sorry that you can't seem to control your weight, agree with her.  If you choose low contract, you have to put up with a certain amount of trivial abuses.  If she asks how is your job, "It's fine".  Try to be as vague as possible and keep the topics light.  If she decides it's time to discuss your religion, change the subject.  Plan ahead for this.  She is your mom, you know what she loves to talk about.  If your mom loves to garden, bring up the church garden and how hers is 100 times better, then you are off on a new subject.  Avoid taking bait.  There is no requirement to answer any question.  Silence can be an answer, then change the subject to her favorite topic, herself.   If you don't feel like this is possible, it's time for No contact.  

Anyone can mourn the mom they always wanted, the article listed above tells how that is done.  It was one thing that helped me get through my first Mother's Day with No Contact.  I also had some good books to read to help me through the day. 

If you need advice on how to handle everyone else, try this article

What does your mom do to make Mother's Day impossible for you?

If you have a few days, I'd suggest ordering a book to read.  There are plenty out there.  Here are my favorites:

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Your Narcissist Mom Isn't There For You

Some narc mom's push their kids into the spotlight.  They want them to be the best at everything and push them to do things they really don't want to do.  They are flamboyant narcs.

But there is another type of narc mom.  The narc mom like mine.  The one that never supports you in anything you do and is never there for you.

I can recall the disappointment from the time I was little.

Want to take gymnastics?  Forget it.
Want to join a club and need to be picked up after school?  Forget it.
Want to do things with your friends after school and need a ride?  Forget it.
School play?  You must be kidding!

Growing up, my mom did manage to make it to a few band concerts, but those were few and far between and if she could have figured a way out, she would have.  By the time I reached high school, she was a no show to everything.

I grew up and wanted to get married.  I wanted a real wedding with a supportive mom.  What did I get?  A mom who refused to wedding dress shop with me.  A mom who refused to go to my reception.

I moved away and had kids.  Did she ever come to their summer birthday parties?  Forget it.  That wasn't happening.

I went into labor very early with one of my kids and I phoned her and asked if she could come help me out by watching the other kids. She said no, she didn't want to.

Again, birthdays.  She was invited, she never showed.

My kids started getting awards.  I invited her to their ceremonies.  She said they were boring and refused to come.  She refused to come to any of my son's Eagle Scout ceremonies.

My kids graduated from high school and college.  Did she ever come to their graduations?  You have got to be kidding.  Why should SHE have to sit through someone else's graduation?

My mom was never there for me.  She never helped me with anything.  It was always her way or no way.  I could not expect her to do something she considered boring.

My last words to her were, "You slammed the door on me, it was your choice.  It's my choice not to allow you back into my life.  You chose to be mean to me and if you wanted me to talk nicer about you, you should have treated me better.  It's my story and I will tell it. "

Here are some books I found helpful in healing

She Did The Best She Could - Says The Flying Monkey Sent From Your Narc Mom

You finally have answers.  You found things on narcissism and you realize your mom is a narc.  Not only is your mom a narc, but you have a golden child sibling and your mom surrounds herself with flying monkeys that get to you when she can't.

You have mourned the mom you always wanted and have decided to either limit contact with your toxic mom or have gone no contact.  People figure out that you are not in contact with your mom and the comments start.

Your mom did the best she could.
She was abused when she was little.
Your mom had nothing and she gave you so much more.
Your mom loves you and misses you.

Mom's should support their kids, not try to control them.  Your mom does not understand this and she has set out her flying monkies to bring you back in line.  But wait....this is bait.  Do you fall for it?  Do you gossip about your mom?  How do you answer those types of questions?

The Phone
If the person is on the phone and brings up your mom the response is an easy one.  You say, "Hey, I'm kind of busy right now, can I call you back?".   You do not need to offer any reason for leaving beyond that. After they say, "ok", hang up.  You put the ball into your court too by asking if you can call them back.  If they call back, you can push it a little and say again, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I am still in the middle of something, I said I would call you back, would that be ok?".

As pitiful as it sounds, I learned this one first hand.  I had just moved 500 miles from home.  I had no friends and my spouse was working long hours.  I was walking outside one day and met the nicest girl.  I found out that we had a lot in common and I immediately wanted to be her friend.  She had just moved from California and her husband wasn't moving for a few more months.  She was alone too, with no one.  I was so excited that I had someone to talk to!  Apparently, she did not share in the enthusiasm.   I realized this, and decided that phoning her once a week to talk would be good. I looked forward to having someone to talk to all week. I was desperate to hear a voice, to interact with anyone.  I decided that I would phone her Wednesday mornings and hoped we could build a friendship.  I waited anxiously for Wednesday, wishing I had friends.   I phoned her and when she answered, she said, "Hey, I'm kinda busy, do you mind if I phone you back?".  My heart sank.  I knew she had no intention of phoning me back again, ever.  I knew that if I phoned her back, I would look like some weirdo stalker.  Sadly, that was our last conversation.  That conversation served to help me deal with narcs in my life, and I am glad to have had it.  Looking back, I do not think we were really a good fit as friends.  I think I was so lonely that anyone would have looked like a friend and I think that my desperation to have a social link offended her.  I think that once I made friends, she would have melted away and she realized that and had no interest in helping out someone who was desperately lonely.

I have also been on the other end and have had to say this to a person.  Believe it or not, she phoned me back thirty minutes later.  I was shocked, but then I realized, she had an agenda.  She was not phoning me to talk, she was phoning me because she was a flying monkey and she needed to report back to the boss.  I did not take her call at thirty minutes and over the next thirty minutes, she phoned me at least nine times.  I had a visitor at my house and my phone was ringing constantly and it was embarrassing.  I finally had to pick the phone up and tell her that I would need to call her back later.   She really tried to get me into conversation at that point, but I stood firm and said that I could not talk.

She said it would be ok if I phoned her back.  Within thirty minutes, she phoned me again.  This time, I blocked her call.  Why?

Because I set a boundary and she was ignoring that boundary.  I said I would phone her back.  Any normal, sane person would wait for my call back.  Her attempts to get me onto the phone were only so that she could run back to the narc with information.  I set a boundary, she will follow the boundary I set.  I said I would phone her back, and I did.   I phoned her back the next day.  By then, the wind was out of her sails and when I asked her what was so important that she could not allow me to speak to her when I had time to be fully present, she could not even give me a clear answer.  I am sure she was angry at having been put on ignore temporarily, but I set the boundary and she did not follow it.

The Internet
You log into facebook to find someone has pasted you the long rant your mom has posted about missing you, wishing you well, not understanding why you have cut out your only family, etc etc.  The important thing is to see this post for what it is, and that is BAIT.  Your mom needs to be the victim and we all know that narcs are really good at playing the victim.  You do not have to follow my advice here, but I would say ignore it and the person that sent it to you.  Realize that the person who forwarded you this post may be a flying monkey.  Does this person have good intentions towards you? Remember, you do not need to tell everyone details.  You can simply respond, "Wow, that looks desperate, what kind of a person posts that?"  Or you can choose to ignore it all together. No one says you have to respond to anything.  What you do not want to do is respond to the bait.  Let the narc play the victim.  It's ok.  It really is.  It's ok if some people think you are an ungrateful child.  The world will not end.  If you take their bate and get into it with this person, everything you said will be shared with friends, relatives and strangers and you will look worse than you would have if you had ignored it.

In Person
This is the most difficult.  You host your child's birthday party and did not invite the narc because you are no contact.  Someone at the party walks up to you and starts talking about how your mom loves you and wants to be in your life.  If this is not a family member, the response is pretty simple.  You say, "I'm sorry, but I don't discuss family issues with people outside the family, you do understand don't you?".  I like asking them to respond.  By asking them to respond, they are risking looking crazy if they keep bringing it up.  Just like the person on the phone, you have ended this conversation and any attempts to restart it make this person look insane.
Relatives are a different story.  You can respond that it's between you and your mom and ask them if they understand, but because they are family, you will not get the same reaction as you would with a non-family member.  I find that the best response is this:

Hey, we are having a really good time today, and I don't want to spoil it with a discussion like that.  If you want to talk to me about my mom, maybe we can discuss it over coffee at a later time, would that be ok?   When they respond, say, "I am so glad you understand, I wouldnt want you to make my guests uncomfortable".

You have turned it around on them.  First, you said you would discuss it at a later non-specific date and not at any gathering.  You said you would discuss it ALONE, one on one with them, not at their kid's birthday.  You made them agree to it by asking if it was ok, then you stated that if they bring it up again, it would make your guests uncomfortable.  We wouldn't want that now would we?

If you are looking for more help, try the books below.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Key Point # 6 - What is a Golden Child? - The Narcissist Mom's Curse

Narcissist mom's are not capable of loving all of their children equally, or making them all feel loved.  A mom's job is to find your child's talents and help develop them, but a narc mom won't do this. She picks a single child to become the Golden Child and the rest are scapegoats.  If you are the scapegoat, you may look at the golden child with jealousy because they had things their way all the time, but this is not a blessing.

A golden child does not learn that their actions have consequences, so therefore, they do not.  The golden child sees the world as a place where they can easily get their way and they do not understand why they can't skip college and be the CEO of a great company.  Their mom has told them that they are great, why does the world not see this?

The scapegoat grows up seeing the golden child treated differently.

Want to go shopping?  The golden child will get the items they want.  I was slapped once for pointing out that my sister got all my hand me downs plus just as many new clothes as I got.  I was called ungrateful.  Maybe I was, but how is it fair that I have four outfits and she has eight?

Grocery shopping.  The kids in my house were expected to put away all groceries from a young age.  My narc mom only shopped once a month, so it was a huge chore.  The second we got home, golden child would grab a toy or book, lock herself into the only bathroom claiming she had to "make a big one".  She refused to come out until scapegoat had put away all the groceries.  When scapegoat pointed this out, narc mom would laugh and do nothing about it.

How about school.  The scapegoat needs to get good grades.  The golden child can cry that she tries her very best and doesn't get good grades and the narc mom says, "awww, she tried".  Meanwhile, the scapegoat gets yelled at for getting a B on her report card.

What about playing with friends?  The scapegoat will have more friends than the golden child.  No one wants to play with a kid that demands their way or gets you into trouble.  The Narc mom sees this and demands that scapegoats friends include golden child.  Scapegoats friends go home when they are told they have to include golden child.  Narc mom makes a special treat for golden child because she feels bad that golden child has no friends.  Golden child is told to eat it in front of scapegoat.  As punishment, scapegoat is told to go play with her friends, but narc knows they all went home.  We all know that the scapegoat must pay.

Golden child is playing with scapegoat and her friends and is demanding her own way.  One of the friends refuses to give golden child her way.  Golden child tries to push the kid, but the kid steps aside and golden child falls to the ground and bloodies her nose.  Scapegoat is punished and made to feel like the accident was her fault.  If her friends would only play nicely with golden child, it would never have happened.

The kids in the family are always told that if they sneak around, they will be kicked out of the house.  The scapegoat tries very hard to meet the parents approval, never being allowed to go go to birthday parties, Halloween parties or anything that could be called a party.   Meanwhile the golden child gets busted climbing out the window to go to a drinking party at age 16 and the parents just shrug their shoulders and wish out loud that she would behave.

The golden child is still living at home at the age of 18.  She somehow graduated from school and does not have a job.  The scapegoat has a job and goes to college, and the parents accuse her of never wanting to grow up.  Scapegoat gets lectured every day and told the story of a person who moved out the day after graduation, got her own apartment and a job that very day.  Scapegoat obviously does not want to grow up and move out.

The golden child gets pregnant.  The parents take the golden child out and buy her a maternity wardrobe.  When the hard working scapegoat points out that she was told that nothing would be given to her after she graduates from high school, she is called ungrateful.

The golden child doesn't want to upset the father so she refuses to get child support.  The parents nod and agree to pay for raising the child.  Why not.

Golden child lives with her parents until her daughter is about 7 years old, then she gets pregnant again by a mall rat with no job and marries him.  Their goal is to move in together, but since neither will get a job, it takes a while.  This was the first and only time Narc mom said no to golden child.  Golden child wanted baby daddy to move into the house with them and could not understand why narc mom and pushover dad did not want to take care of her entire family.  They took care of her and her child, why not her husband too?

ps:  A few months ago, I fact checked the story I was always told about the person who moved out the day after graduation, got an apartment that day and a job.  I phoned the person and told her the story.  She laughed.  She said it wasn't the day after graduation, but it probably was a month after.   She said her mom drove her into the city every day so that she could fill out applications.  She said her mom would drive the car around while she filled out applications and interviewed then pick her up outside.  She said they did this for about a month before she got a job offer.   She told me that when she got the job offer, her mom gave her 4 months rent and drove with her to the city to look for an apartment.  She said they made the deposit of first and last months rent on a studio apartment and that she used the other money to live off of until she got paid and could pay her own rent.   Big difference.

The relationship between the golden child and the scapegoat can be a difficult one.  First off, it appears that they were raised by two different sets of parents.  It might be possible to have a sibling relationship, and it might not.  The narc mom drives such a huge wedge between the two that it is possible that it might always be in the way.  Realize that how your sibling was treated was not their decision.  It helps to start very small.

This is where I went wrong.  I had not spoken to my sister in years because I felt we had nothing in common.  When I realized that my mom was a narc and had driven a huge wedge between me and my sibling, I sent my sister an email.  I apologized for allowing a person to dictate the relationship she had with me.  For some reason, I expected her to jump at the chance of a relationship with me, and I was shocked that she really didn't want one.   She would bring up our mother, then accuse me of "talking about her".  We once had a facebook conversation where I pasted back to her where she started the conversation and she became angry with me and said that she only wanted to hear "rainbows and unicorns" from me and nothing else.  So my sister said she only wants a shallow relationship with me and will not settle for anything else.  If I want a relationship with her at all, it will be her shallow relationship.  I had to go with it.  I wish I had a sister relationship where we talked about things and told each other our thoughts and dreams, but I never will.  I have to be happy with what she has chosen.  I will never have a sister that I can lean on in hard times and I blame myself as much as my narc mom for this.

Are you able to have a relationship with the golden child? If you want to know more about narcissism, here are some great books on amazon