Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Key Point #1 Narcissists And Commitments

How do narcissists feel about commitments?  They hate commitments without rewards.  This can show up in many ways.

Dating a narc:
One of the easiest ways to figure out a narc early on is to refuse to have sex with the narc.  Make your date show commitment without reward.  A normal person will want to get to know you, will enjoy spending time with you and will listen to the boundary you have set.  For them, being with you is enjoyable, you are seeking someone who wants to get to know you over time.  A narc tries to rush this part of the relationship.  He or she could even have a script that you are told.  During love bombing, you will be overwhelmed with their need to be around you and to rush into a relationship.  If someone you are dating is moving too fast it is ok for you to say, "Hey, I want to take things slowly and I really appreciate the forty seven texts you sent me today telling me you love me and want to be with me, but I feel things are moving to fast and I am not ready to say I love you or to have sex yet.".   A cheating narc will probably dump you at that point because they want commitment with reward.  To the narc, those forty seven texts were the price they paid to have sex with you tonight and they expect to be paid.  A cheating narc is looking for new supply and if you refuse to give him or her what they want, they will move on pretty quickly.

The parent narc:
The narc parent also hates commitments without rewards and having kids is a lot of day to day work that is expected and there are no rewards.  This person may be a great parent if they get the kids every other weekend because they can put on a good show and then send the kids home.  They can commit to visitations because they get rewards from them, but they do not want the commitment of having kids around them all the time.  I know a narc that found himself in this situation when the mother of his kids died unexpectedly.   He quickly handed the kids over to their grandparents saying that he had a traveling job and could not possibly keep his own kids full time.  He does take them on wonderful vacations twice a year, but that isn't really parenting.

The grandparent narc:
You can't expect them to babysit or depend on them.  This was my mother.  I once phoned her because I was in preterm labor and asked if she could come help out with the kids while I was on bedrest and she refused because she didn't want to.  She also didn't want to come to any of her own grandkid's birthday parties, graduations, concerts, awards ceremonies or anything of the sort.  She felt they were boring and in her mind, she should not have to do anything that bores her...ever.   When she reads this, she will become angry at me for writing it because it's true.  She will not regret being an uninvolved grandparent, she will not wish she could go back and change things, she will be angry at me because I pointed out that she is less than perfect.

For more support read How to get over the Narc

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Have you experienced it?  You are all set to celebrate your birthday, Christmas, Easter with the kids, but you know that the narc will find a way to ruin the day.  You try to have fun and enjoy it but you are waiting for the inevitable.   Just as you start to have fun, it comes.  The narc ruins it.  Whether they get drunk, don't show up, start a fight, or just "forget" to come, the narc can be counted on to ruin holidays.

The reason your narc misbehaves on holidays is different depending on what type of narc you are dealing with, but the reason they misbehave is the same.  At a holiday event of any kind, the narc is not the center of attention, yet at the same time, events help fuel a narc.

A covert narc will want to hide in the shadows of an event and take everything in.  This is the narc's prime feeding time.  The narc listens to all the stories, all the gossip and this puffs up their sense of well being.  The biggest deal with the covert narc is that he or she may refuse to go, or just not show up to an important event.  This does not seem to matter if the event is in their honor or not.  This type of narc will become angry at you for wanting to celebrate.  Growing up, birthday parties were not allowed in my house.  My mother could not stand the thought of having to be around others, so I was not allowed to have parties.  She also refused to go to things like school plays, performances of any kind and even her own grandson's Eagle Scout Ceremony.  After refusing to go to her own grand-kid's ceremony, she became angry at me for telling her that she was expected to be there and that I would have to tell them a reason she was not there.  By this time, I was well aware that she was a narc and I started being honest, which made her even more angry. I told them that my mother was a narc who does not attend anything that she finds boring, and we were not to expect her to have to show someone some support.

A flamboyant narc would love to come to your event.  They will become the life of the party and if they are not the life of the party, they will find a way to get themselves to be the center of attention.  Holidays deflate this type of narc because they want to be the center of attention, but if they are at someone else's celebration, it is impossible for them to step back and allow the other person to be the center of attention.  They will get drunk or start a fight or find a way to ruin the holiday celebration.

This is also the place where your abusive narc can show their perfection to everyone at the event.  They become the perfect grandma, the perfect mom, dad or husband.   They can put on the best performance you have ever seen drawing attention to themselves and their awesome perfection.  No one suspects how abusive the narc is behind closed doors and the abused person welcomes the attention because it is what they want in a spouse, parent or grandparent.   Be aware that this is not the real personality of the narcissist, it is fake. It is the story they tell outsiders.

Narcissists hate commitments without rewards.  The rewards are different for a covert narc and a flamboyant narc, but both hate commitments without rewards.  This is why the narc will ruin your holiday.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Your Mom Is A Narcissist - She Doesn't Love Me - Mourning Your Mom

We all children of narcissists experience that moment when we realize that our mom is not normal and does not love us like other people's mom's do.  I recall my realization.  We were on vacation and at a table near us, there was a mom and dad.  They were talking to their child about her ability to dive.  They said that while she had only taken a few lessons, she seemed to be a really good diver and was better than the other kids staying in their hotel.  They asked her if she wanted to continue lessons even if it meant working hard to advance her skill.  She said she enjoyed diving and she did want to keep taking lessons.  Her parents nodded.   I recall feeling a tinge of jealousy.  My parents did not care what I was good at.  I wanted gymnastic lessons so badly, but I never got them.  My parents did not know or care what I was good at.

We headed back to the car and the second the door closed, my narc mom started complaining about the family.  She said they were "spoiling" that child, that she would end up on death row.  She talked about the mom, she talked about the dad and she talked about the "brat" as she called her.  That was the day that I realized that my parents did not love me the way other families love their kids.

It was many years later when the line was drawn in the sand.  My mom had not spoken to me for years and had not told me why.  Two years into my punishment, a friend of theirs from church walked up to me and asked me how my dad was doing and I did not know.  I dared to tell someone from her church that she was less than perfect and if you know a narcissist, you know that I started a war with those words.

From that day on, my parents did not speak to me because "I lied".  Even though it was the truth, they said the relationship was severed because I had lied about them.  Still not understanding what a narcissist was, I had a childhood friend try to contact them for me.  They met her with anger.  Not only did they meet her with anger, they used a flying monkey to call me and tell me how terrible it was that I wanted to have a relationship with my family.

What my mom did to me is called stonewalling.  It is when a narc decides to punish you by refusing to speak to you or acknowledge you, and my mom is very good at it.

I made a really hard decision that day.  I decided that if my mom stonewalled me until my dad could not longer speak, that I would not allow her back in my life.  I knew that my mom likes appearances and she was going to want me at my dad's funeral.  At some point, she was going to call me, blame me, then demand an apology and say it was time to move on, that I had paid enough.   If she did it when I could reason with my dad, I would accept what she said even though I knew what she was doing.

My mom didn't call. She sent me an email.  My mom emailed me within hours of my father's death.  He couldn't speak and he was barely breathing and she chose then to shoot me "the email".  I did not acknowledge the email.  I decided that she did not bother to tell me that she was not speaking to me while I begged her answering machine to pick up, so I did not bother to answer her.  She even had the nerve to email me that I needed to be at the funeral 2 hours early.  

Mourning Your Narcissist Mom While She Is Still Alive

This was so hard for me.  My dad was dead and I would never have a normal loving mom.  I had a very hard decision to make.  I decided that the price I had to pay was too great.  She stole the last four years of my dad's life from me and my kids.  I did not want her in my life.  I decided to continue the no contact that she started.   She slammed the door on me and I nailed it shut.  I will never speak to her again.

Now I am left with a hole.  People talk about their great parents and I have none.  I lost my dad and I lost the mom I always wanted but will never have.

I decided to mourn my mom the way I would mourn a dead person.  I wrote her a letter telling her everything she did to me.  It was seven pages long and started when I was two years old and she blamed me for her bad parenting when I accidentally cut off the tip of my sister's finger in a piece of furniture.  She left me home alone that night and I was scared to death.  I wrote about it.  I wrote that I wanted I wanted in a mom but would never get.  I wrote about a mom that would love to help me out when I was in preterm labor and a mom that wanted to see her grandson get his Eagle Scout status.  I wrote about a mom that wanted us in her life.  A mom I would never have.

I kept that letter a few days and added to it as I felt the need.  It ended up being nine pages long.  Nine pages of disappointment.  I bought a helium balloon and made a cross out of two sticks.  I walked into the woods and read the letter to my mom.  I buried the letter.  I put the cross into the ground, but then decided that my mom did not deserve a cross, and I located a nearby rock and placed it on her letter's grave.

I held the balloon in my hands and said, "This is the mom I always wanted and will never have.  I am letting go of the relationship and you are dead and your spirit is lifting up and away from me with this balloon".

I mourned my mom.  You might need to mourn your mom too, and I would encourage you to make the service as specific and personal as you can.  You wanted a kind loving mom and for some reason, you will never get that mom.  So release the spirit of the mom you wanted.

Whether you go no contact at that point is up to you. If you want to keep the narcissist mom in your life, just know that you mourned the mom that you wanted, and she is dead and gone.  Your mom will never be a good mom and if you choose to allow her in your life, that is personal and up to you.