Two Faces Of Narcissism - You Will Pay

The narcissist has become very good at hiding their true selves and projecting a fake identity to the world.  Many of them practice this fake identity until they have it down. 


I did not realize it at the time, but my mother had perfected this tool.  She took "company voice" to a whole new level.  One day she somehow got roped into teaching my Sunday school class.  I am not sure how, because she hated being told she needed to participate in anything.  I was too young at the time to figure this out, so I am uncertain how she was convinced to do something she did not want to do. 

We sat in class while she told us a bible story.  She then said we were going to discuss today's topic of old people in nursing homes.  She said that these people can be very lonely and they would love someone to visit them.  She went around the room asking who we knew that could be visited.  I only knew one person in a nursing home and that was My great grandmother's husband, Roy.  My great grandmother had married Roy later in life and she had recently passed away, but he was still living in a nursing home.  When my mother asked me who I knew in a nursing home that I could visit, I stated that we could visit Roy, and my mother beamed a smile at me and said, "That is a very good idea, I am so glad you thought of him".  I was surprised my mother complimented me and it made me so excited.  I had been programmed to keep her happy, and I was sure she was happy with me for my comment. 

After church, we got into the car and I asked when we were going to go visit Roy.  At that moment, the evil true self of my mother showed up.  It was so fast that it startled me.  She whipped her head around and glared at me with hate in her eyes.  The evil in her eyes was deep as she glared at me, not saying a word.  I asked, "What?". I had no clue what had caused my mother's true self to show up. I thought she had been pleased with me.

My mother responded, "That man is nothing to us and don't you EVER talk about visiting him again".  She then went on a rant telling my dad how I had suggested to everyone in my class that we should go visit Roy, who was not even related to us.  She said she had never been so embarrassed in her life.   She felt I should be punished for interrupting her class. Of course my father agreed, he always agreed with anything the witch demanded.  I got punished for answering a question that I was directly asked. 

That is narcissism.  If you don't follow the rules you pay.  I am not sure what my mother wanted me to answer, but I did not give the answer she desired, so I had to pay. 


In what ways has the narcissist made you pay?

Narcissists and Body Shaming

Whether your narcissist is a parent, sibling, spouse or boyfriend, body shaming is one of the ways that they can control you and keep you subservient.   Unfortunately, most women view their bodies as flawed and the narc picks up on this and feeds on it. 

My mother used to tell me that my breasts were "retarded" and that she knew this because in school they showed pictures of "retarded" boobs and they look just like mine.  She also used to take me school shopping each year and insist I go to the Husky sizes first.  I had to prove to her every single year that I was NOT husky.  My weight was NORMAL!   I was so embarrassed to come out of the dressing room wearing pants that I had to hold up because they were six inches larger than my waist and at least four inches too short.  It was meant to humiliate me and put me in my place before we shopped for real clothes for school.

I later dated a guy who told me that if I had a crease where my behind ended and my thighs began that I was too fat.  A crease is normal there.  He would constantly tell me he felt I was gaining weight and getting too fat.  I was 5'4" and weighed 102lbs, yet I was not thin enough for him, he felt I bordered on obese.  He cheated on me and when I found out and as crying, he told me she was nothing like me, that she did not have an ounce of fat on her body anywhere.  He said she was a good five inches taller than me and weighed less and he could not pass that up.  She was very lucky and saw through him quickly. He pointed out a flaw in her and she asked him to leave and never come back.  I know this because the narc did what narcs do and came running back to me with the perfect act of repentance.  He did not have fresh supply lined up yet, so he needed me. 


What can we do? 
I think the new girlfriend had the right idea.  No one has the right to critique your body except you and any person that tries is not your friend.   If someone says to you, "Hon, have you considered a boob job?", your answer should be, "No, but I am considering removing negativity from my life and I think you need to leave now".   

I no longer talk to my mom, but if she were to mention a body flaw, I would state, "I am glad you were able to point that out, but it's not your place and I need you to keep negative thoughts to yourself".

If you are on the phone, it's easy.  State, "Hey, I am kinda busy, can I call you back later?".  Get off the phone immediately.  Do not reward negative behaviors by staying on the phone.  You do not need to give a reason. 

What Does No Contact Mean?

Whether your narc is your mom, brother, sister, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, you decided it is time to go no contact.  This is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It requires commitment and a plan. 

What exactly is no contact?

1) No contact means never speaking the person's name to anyone who knows them.
     This one can be pretty tough.  Your sister calls and wants to talk about the narc.  What will you say?  I planned my response out prior to going no contact.  I have more than one narc in my life because I attract them.  If I am on the phone with the person and a narc is brought up, I say, "Hey, something has come up and I will need to call you back later".  I then get off the phone as quickly as possible.  They quickly learn that to talk to me over the phone they need to not bring up the narc. 

In person, I try not responding at all to the comment and changing the subject myself.  If the person says, "narc asked about you", I say, "Did you tell me your daughter just got a new job, said her first word, rode a bike for the first time?".  If that does not work, it's time to bring out the more direct comments.  If someone brings up my narc mother in person, I reply, "I don't talk about the woman who birthed me, we need to change the subject".   If someone brings up the narc who called herself my best friend, I respond, "I haven't spoken to or about that person in a really long time, and I am not about to start now."  I then offer a new subject.

Yes this is hard.  I meet with some of my family members a few times a year (we live far apart) and they always try to bring up the narc.  If they continue bringing up the narc in conversation when we meet, I stop meeting with them.  They bring no joy into my life if they talk about the narc.

If you feel like you need to talk about the narc to someone there are groups online for that where no one knows the narc.  You can hash out your feelings without talking badly about the narc to people you both know.  I would suggest finding a group and talking about your situation.


2)  No contact means not reading correspondence 
The narc will try to get you to break this one because once you read an email, you are forced to make a decision.  The narc sends a letter or an email in an attempt to get a response from you.  It is bait.  If you open it, you took the bait and must now make a decision.  The narc knows you, the contents will be good.  They will try to force you to act.  Will you take the bait?

3) No contact means not opening gifts
Send them back unopened. No excuses here, you cant accept gifts from someone you don't talk to.

4) No contact means not stalking them on facebook or other venues
They can and probably will stalk you, but each and every time you open their facebook looking for info, they win.  They WANT you to long for them.  They WANT you to look at what they are doing without you.  Moving on is the best thing you can do and that does not involve curiosity about the narcs life without you.