Weird Narcissist Beliefs

Narcissist can have a strange view of the world around them. Growing up with a narc as a mom, I saw this over and over. Your narc may have a different set of strange or untrue beliefs, but I believe that all narcs have them. My narc mom believed that it was noble to be poor. Being poor made you a better person. She would get wildly jealous of people who bought things though, which made no sense to me at all. She would get so jealous of people for buying things that she would shut them out of her life. I recall once my narc mom was complaining that our oven broke. She complained and complained and then complained some more. I tried going to my room, reading, watching tv, but nothing would give her the hint that I didn't want to hear about the oven being broken. I finally said, "If the oven is broken, why don't you call someone to fix it?". She blew. She said, "I can't wait until you move out and your oven breaks. I really really hope all your stuff breaks because I want to see you call someone to fix it every time something breaks. You are so ungrateful, you have no idea how much money it takes to run this house". I grew up, I moved out. I have a job. I make money and if my stove breaks, I buy a new one. Imagine that, getting a J-O-B when you need money.

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Your Narcissist Mom Will Ruin Your Wedding

Weddings are the perfect time for your narc mom to show her stuff.  You are so happy, you just got engaged and race to tell your narc parent.  Your reaction will most likely be one of two reactions:

Reaction #1
I am not paying for that.  Her parents paid for her wedding, but she is most certainly not going to pay for yours.  If you are lucky, she will refuse to go while she is at it.

Reaction #2
Great, I am going to pay for it.  I am going to make your dress, pick your food, make your cake.  I am going to be the center of attention.  It's my money, why shouldn't I have a say in it.  Oh, and at the wedding, I am going to embarrass you.  I will either scowl the entire day, fight with you either the night before or that day then blame you, announce that your dress isnt working out as planned that you need to come up with another option, drink too much, or suddenly decide the time is not right and refuse to go.


Mine was the first.  Not only did she refuse to help me pay for the wedding, she refused to dress shop with me.  I found out pretty quickly that when you walk into a dress shop and say your mom wouldn't come, that you are not taken seriously.  The shop workers think you are wasting their time if your mom is not there.  I wish I had known then what I know now.  I would have said, "My mom died when I was two, I wish she could be here, I brought my maid of honor instead".

My narc mom did not want me to have a wedding.  She wanted me to elope.  She pressured me to elope the entire engagement, but the night before the wedding it came to a head and she had me crying so loud that the neighbors called the cops thinking she was killing me.  She stormed out of my room and refused to go to the reception.    She said she would help me get ready for the reception, but she ended up being "too busy".

I was lucky.  If you allow your narc mom, she will ruin your wedding.   Did your narc mom ruin your wedding?  Did she get drunk, decide to wear a wedding dress herself?  Forget to sew your dress?  Make it too big or too small?

Should I write or email the Narcissist and let them know how I feel?

The first answer here is no.  The narcissist does not have empathy, so anything you write would not be read anyway. 

However....

Write your letter.  Hand write it.  Take your time.  Spend a few days going over it and making sure it says everything you want it to say. When you finish, find something that reminds you of the narc.  It can be as simple as their name written on paper or it can be a photo of the narc. 

Take your letter and a spade out and dig a hole with the spade.  Place the name object into the hole.  Next read the letter outloud.  Take your time.  Read it twice if you feel the need, but read that letter to the narc in the hole.  Then place the letter in the hole with the narc's name or photo and cover them both up with dirt. 

Bury the narc.  If you feel like calling the narc or talking to him or her, go visit the burial site and remind yourself that you buried the past and you are worth more.

Here is a book that can help:

This can be very hard.  The narc in my life was my mom.  She chose no contact with me.  For the last four years of my dad's life, she would not take my call.  I do not live near my family, so I could not just drop over and ask what her problem was.  After about a year of leaving messages on a machine, I had a thought.  My mom was getting my messages.  She was listening to them.  I could see her in my mind smirking at the power she had over me by refusing to take my calls.  I stopped calling. 

Two years into her no contact with me, I saw someone from her church who asked me how my dad was doing.  I answered honestly.  I said my parents had not spoken to me for two years, and I did not even know why.  Then I did something I regret.  I said, "If you see them, ask them what I did that warranted a Christian not speaking to their own grandkids for two years".

That gave them all the ammunition they needed.  From that point on, I lied to their church family and said they weren't talking to me and I tell terrible lies to everyone about them. 

If it's the truth, then how is it a lie?  I am not sure, but I will admit that I was wrong doing that.  I know that person went back and told people in their church what I had said. 

I also knew that my mom would want me at the funeral.  If I were not there, people would talk.  I decided then that if my dad could talk to me and we could have a discussion about the situation, I would be open to owning my part of it, but if my mom waited until my dad could no longer talk to contact me, I would not be open to any relationship with her.  She made me pay and the price was too great. 

She didn't phone me, she shot me an email when my dad was already not able to get out of bed and was probably had agonal breathing.   He died the night after she shot me the email saying I could be forgiven now. 

Of course she wanted to act as if nothing happened, that's what narc's do.  They cut you off, they bring you back, they cut you off again.  If I had chosen to go to the funeral you can bet she would have found some reason to not speak to me again. 

I chose no contact at that point.  It had been over four years already, the hard part was over.  She chose to slam the door in my face, I nailed it shut.  It was a risk she took in shutting me out of her life. 

Friendship Circles

Friendships can be hard to define, but I like to view them as circles.  The center of the circle is you.  Your deepest thoughts, your fears, your intimate true self.    All friendships start at the outer ring of these circles.  Some people stay out towards the edges forever, while other people work their way towards the center.

People's roles in your life can also determine what point they are in the circle.  You would not become best friends with a person that you supervise at work.  It is not socially acceptable for this person to work their way into the circles, and that person, even though you may really like them and get along great, will not work their way into your inner circle.


So What are the layers of the circle?

Your outer circle consists of acquaintances.  These are people that you are friendly to when you see them.  There can be hundreds of people in this circle.  These can be friends of friends, or people that get your coffee from each morning, your waitress at a restaurant you frequent.  You may or may not know their name, but you greet them when you see them.

Inside that circle are people that you may see at a particular place.  You know these people pretty well in the setting in which you see them.  This can be a person you talk to at the gym each week, someone you talk to when your kids are in dance lessons, or a person you talk to while you are waiting for a class to start.  You know things about this person, but if you stopped going to where you see this person, chances are you would not talk to them anymore.

On the next circle closer to you are friends.  These are not close friends, but they are people that you call friends.  You may or may not share personal information with them because while they are friends, you may not feel safe sharing your personal thoughts, feelings or stories with them.  I like to refer to this layer of friends as my, "Friends are for fun" group.  I like them, but I am not as vulnerable with them as I am some of my other friends.

Closer still is my personal friends.  These are friends that I can call when I am having a bad day and cry to them and not risk losing a friendship over it.  I can call them and vent and they understand that I am venting.  I invite them to special occasions and they invite me to theirs.  Most people have very few of this type of friend.

Last is your best friend.  Some people only have a spouse in this inner circle and others have a best friend that resides here.  This is the person that you can share anything with.



Where a person is located in your circle set can be different than where you are located in their circle set and this can cause a problem.  Have you ever had a best friend tell you something about their "best friend"?  Sometimes this can work out, but other times it does not.

You control where people are on your circle and sometimes it is important to control where people are on your circle set.

A long time ago, I had a best friend.  One day, we got into an argument because she was talking badly about me to someone and I found out about it.  She was my best friend in my circle, but I was not her best friend in her circle.  I had not been aware of it until I found out that she was prying me for information to take to others and talk badly about me.  When confronted, she blew up and went so far off my circle of friends that she will not ever come back onto it.  I will never allow her to even be considered an acquaintance again.

When I pick my kids up at school, there is a mean girl there.  I have never done anything to her and I have barely spoken to her, but I can see her dislike for me on her face.  This wouldn't be an issue except that we have mutual friends.  If I meet someone who is her friend, I am very slow to allow them into my circles.  

I guess it can't be helped that I was afraid of what they are telling mean girl, so I was very slow to let them into my inner circle of friends.  One person in particular started trying to get me to go out after we picked the kids up from school.  I was very slow to allow her into my circle of friends.  We were friends for nearly two years before I started to see things that were making me question our friendship.  She would tell me any time she had spoken to mean girl.  She would call me up and try to get me to say something bad about mean girl by offering stories that made mean girl look bad.  I couldn't help but wonder what she was telling mean girl about me.


I finally did decide to reevaluate the friendship and I decided that as long as she mentions mean girl , that I need to keep her in an outer circle and not tell her anything that I would not want mean girl to find out.   That would mean she is in the "friends are for fun" group.  She is a friend, but I have limited her interactions with me.  If you ask her, she would probably say that I am in a closer circle to her, but in my circles, she is in "friends are for fun".    I would not call her and tell her about anything bad that happened to me, I would not burden her with my day to day problems.  I am happy that she has friends and that she has a good time, but I do not want to hear about mean girl.

There are times when we need to evaluate where people are in our circle.  There might be someone that we want to move closer and there are times when people just drift apart.  I have found it helpful to look at my circle of friends at least once a month and evaluate it.

I ask:

Is there someone that I have not seen lately that I should?
Is there someone that is getting uncomfortably close?
Is there someone that I would like to move into an inner circle?


Have you ever found out that there was a difference in your locations in a friend's circle?  Were you closer to them or were they closer to you?  How did you deal with it?  It hurts to find out that you have someone in an inner circle to have them reject you.  Have you ever found out that you were not invited to a close friend's party, then given lame excuses as to why?  Where were you in their circles and where were they in yours?  Do you feel the need to match your circle to theirs?




A narcissist will try to rush through the layers to suddenly become your best friend ever.  One of the easiest ways to spot one is that they try to rush through the circles or skip some all together.  They meet you and you are suddenly their best friend, or best soul mate.  It is important to slow them down and not allow them to skip circles.  No one is your best friend from the day you meet.  No one is in love with you on the first date.  Relationships take time and narcissists do not want to put time into them.  A girlfriend or boyfriend will want to love bomb you and get you hooked before you figure out all of the baggage they bring with them and all their lies and cheating.

 Refusing to allow someone to skip circles will show you who is a narcissist and who is not.  A guy who is eager and interested will wait for you.  If you tell him you have taken a year vow of celibacy, he will not mark you off the list.   Tell your dates that you do not have sex on the first, second or even third date, that you don't want to be rushed, and that you want to get to know them first.  An eager man will set out to make sure you know him.  He will want to go on sexless dates.  A narcissist, who cheats on every woman he meets will roll off his "get to know me" speech as he is taking his shirt off.  When you explain that you want to get to know a narcissist and refuse sex, they will become angry at you.  They will blame you.  They may even dump you.  But ask yourself this question.  What happens if a really nice guy wants to ask you out, but he sees you out with the narcissists.  Will he decide that he does not want to interrupt your relationship? Are you giving up Mr Right for Mr Right Now?