Monday, February 6, 2017
Should I write or email the Narcissist and let them know how I feel?
The first answer here is no. The narcissist does not have empathy, so anything you write would not be read anyway.
Write your letter. Hand write it. Take your time. Spend a few days going over it and making sure it says everything you want it to say. When you finish, find something that reminds you of the narc. It can be as simple as their name written on paper or it can be a photo of the narc.
Take your letter and a spade out and dig a hole with the spade. Place the name object into the hole. Next read the letter outloud. Take your time. Read it twice if you feel the need, but read that letter to the narc in the hole. Then place the letter in the hole with the narc's name or photo and cover them both up with dirt.
Bury the narc. If you feel like calling the narc or talking to him or her, go visit the burial site and remind yourself that you buried the past and you are worth more.
Here is a book that can help:
This can be very hard. The narc in my life was my mom. She chose no contact with me. For the last four years of my dad's life, she would not take my call. I do not live near my family, so I could not just drop over and ask what her problem was. After about a year of leaving messages on a machine, I had a thought. My mom was getting my messages. She was listening to them. I could see her in my mind smirking at the power she had over me by refusing to take my calls. I stopped calling.
Two years into her no contact with me, I saw someone from her church who asked me how my dad was doing. I answered honestly. I said my parents had not spoken to me for two years, and I did not even know why. Then I did something I regret. I said, "If you see them, ask them what I did that warranted a Christian not speaking to their own grandkids for two years".
That gave them all the ammunition they needed. From that point on, I lied to their church family and said they weren't talking to me and I tell terrible lies to everyone about them.
If it's the truth, then how is it a lie? I am not sure, but I will admit that I was wrong doing that. I know that person went back and told people in their church what I had said.
I also knew that my mom would want me at the funeral. If I were not there, people would talk. I decided then that if my dad could talk to me and we could have a discussion about the situation, I would be open to owning my part of it, but if my mom waited until my dad could no longer talk to contact me, I would not be open to any relationship with her. She made me pay and the price was too great.
She didn't phone me, she shot me an email when my dad was already not able to get out of bed and was probably had agonal breathing. He died the night after she shot me the email saying I could be forgiven now.
Of course she wanted to act as if nothing happened, that's what narc's do. They cut you off, they bring you back, they cut you off again. If I had chosen to go to the funeral you can bet she would have found some reason to not speak to me again.
I chose no contact at that point. It had been over four years already, the hard part was over. She chose to slam the door in my face, I nailed it shut. It was a risk she took in shutting me out of her life.