Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Key Point #1 Narcissists And Commitments

How do narcissists feel about commitments?  They hate commitments without rewards.  This can show up in many ways.

Dating a narc:
One of the easiest ways to figure out a narc early on is to refuse to have sex with the narc.  Make your date show commitment without reward.  A normal person will want to get to know you, will enjoy spending time with you and will listen to the boundary you have set.  For them, being with you is enjoyable, you are seeking someone who wants to get to know you over time.  A narc tries to rush this part of the relationship.  He or she could even have a script that you are told.  During love bombing, you will be overwhelmed with their need to be around you and to rush into a relationship.  If someone you are dating is moving too fast it is ok for you to say, "Hey, I want to take things slowly and I really appreciate the forty seven texts you sent me today telling me you love me and want to be with me, but I feel things are moving to fast and I am not ready to say I love you or to have sex yet.".   A cheating narc will probably dump you at that point because they want commitment with reward.  To the narc, those forty seven texts were the price they paid to have sex with you tonight and they expect to be paid.  A cheating narc is looking for new supply and if you refuse to give him or her what they want, they will move on pretty quickly.

The parent narc:
The narc parent also hates commitments without rewards and having kids is a lot of day to day work that is expected and there are no rewards.  This person may be a great parent if they get the kids every other weekend because they can put on a good show and then send the kids home.  They can commit to visitations because they get rewards from them, but they do not want the commitment of having kids around them all the time.  I know a narc that found himself in this situation when the mother of his kids died unexpectedly.   He quickly handed the kids over to their grandparents saying that he had a traveling job and could not possibly keep his own kids full time.  He does take them on wonderful vacations twice a year, but that isn't really parenting.

The grandparent narc:
You can't expect them to babysit or depend on them.  This was my mother.  I once phoned her because I was in preterm labor and asked if she could come help out with the kids while I was on bedrest and she refused because she didn't want to.  She also didn't want to come to any of her own grandkid's birthday parties, graduations, concerts, awards ceremonies or anything of the sort.  She felt they were boring and in her mind, she should not have to do anything that bores her...ever.   When she reads this, she will become angry at me for writing it because it's true.  She will not regret being an uninvolved grandparent, she will not wish she could go back and change things, she will be angry at me because I pointed out that she is less than perfect.

For more support read How to get over the Narc

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