Thursday, January 19, 2017

How I failed the narc's plan to trash me

I had a friend who was a narc and one day she turned on me.  I caught her talking badly about me to others and when confronted with the question, "So what I hear you say is that it's ok for you to talk badly about me to people".  She blew.  She started a huge smear campaign and I was so unaware of what was going on that I fell for the entire thing.

I lost several people that I thought were my friends during that smear campaign.  She made up a story about me stalking her and wanting to be her and told people that it was best if no one mentions her around me.  She then decided she was scared of me and called people crying about how afraid she was.   I was completely unaware at the time that all this was going on.  I only knew that I had made her very very angry and I was going to have to pay.  I also knew I was losing friends, and that some people who remained friends were acting differently around me.

A few months pass.  Our sons were still in contact with each other, and her son was coming to my house more and more.   Her house was so full of rules that the boys were more comfortable at my place.  This was making her very angry.  She did not want her son to come to my house, but she could not say she didn't because it would make her look like a bad person.  She confided in a mutual friend that I was lying to them both convincing them I was "the cool mom" to get even with her.

I am not exactly sure what happened in her narc mind next, but at some point she decided I needed to pay, and her son had to pay too.  She made a plan.  Her plan was going to be to lock her son out of the her house when he had been at my house.  He would naturally come back to my house and spend the night there.  When he was "missing" the next morning, she could phone a few friends and say he was missing, then phone the police, who would figure out that I had him.  She could then smear me to the police and her friends.  Sounded like a great would punish her son for coming to my house and she could smear me a second time.

Here is how I stopped her plan.

Her son phoned one day and said his mom refused to allow him to use the computer printer.   He needed to print some things for college and the library was closed.  He asked if he could come use our computer.  Of course I said he could, and she knew that would happen.  She knew I would allow her son to come to my house to print papers.  In her mind, I would allow it just to get even with her, and allow the start of her smear plan.

Her son printed his papers, then it was time for my son to take him back home.   I knew better than to trust her, so I asked my hubby if he could drive the boys back to drop her son off.  He agreed that it was best not to have the two boys around her without a witness,  and he drove the boys to her house.  That was my first step in stopping her plan, even though I had not realized what she was up to at the time.

Hubby waited for her son to go into the house, but instead, he came back.  He said his key wasn't working and that he could not get in.  Hubby thought his key was stuck, so he walked up to the door and tried.  He said someone was on the other side of the door holding the lock, he could feel them when he tried to turn it.  It was dark out and they had no window at the front door, so she was still unaware that it was him and not her son.

Hubby walked back to the car with her son.  He said he knew someone was holding the lock, so he didn't talk at the door, but instead walked to the car.  He had their son get back into the car and brought him back to our house.

I knew when they arrived that she was planning a smear campaign.  I had now brainwashed her son and was holding him hostage and she was going to call everyone she could think of and smear me.  I also knew that she would try to phone the police.  Hubby and I talked for a minute, then decided that we should be proactive.  I figured the first person she would call would be a mutual friend.  My son texted their son and confirmed that they had not gone to bed yet, so I phoned them.  I had hubby explain to them what went on and asked them if they could try to talk to her in the morning to see if they could calm her down and get her to take her son back.  He said calls to their house were going unanswered and suggested they should try to call her.  They said there was no answer when they called.

After getting off the phone with them, I called the non-emergency police number and explained the problem to them. They said that because her son had turned 18 a week earlier that they could not force her to take him back, but they did send someone to write up that the door was being held locked so that their son could not enter.  We showed them the call logs and tried to phone them while the officer was there, proving we were trying to contact them but they were not answering their phone.

The next morning, I could see the narc sitting patiently waiting for a presentable time to call people. I could see the smug grin as she thought about how she was going to cry that her son was "missing".   She phoned our mutual friend first and said her son was missing, that he had not come home the night before and that he was not answering texts (he did not have a phone charger, so his phone was dead).  She thought that our mutual friend would suggest she phone the police if her son was missing and not answering his phone...who wouldn't?   Instead, our mutual friend said that we had phoned her the night before.  I can see her mouth dropping open.  

I have a friend who works at the police station.  He said that she stormed in their that morning with tears in her eyes saying her son was missing.  He said he pulled out the report from the night before and said he was aware of the location of her son and was she aware that someone had held the lock shut the night before.  He said the tears disappeared instantly and she cursed and left.  He said he had seen psychopaths change emotions that quickly before, but it still surprised him that she went from crying concerned mom to anger in a few seconds.

So how did I thwart her plan?  I did not react the way she expected me to.  She thought that I would send her son and my son to the house by themselves.  She thought that when she held the lock, they would give up and come to my house.  I really don't believe she thought we would phone the police, but even if we did, she would say two teen aged boys were wrong.  She did not expect that my husband would be there trying to turn the lock for her son.

She knew we would go back to my house and she knew her son did not have his charger and that at some point calls would go unanswered.  She thought she could run to the police and smear me there, but I jumped ahead of her and explained that no one there could be reached, that her son had tried to phone and my husband said someone was holding the lock.  Her plan ended before it started.

So how can you use this to beat a smear campaign by a narc?

Narcs study you.  A good narc will know how you will react and will expect you to react a certain way.   This means that you need to try to act differently than the narc thinks you will act.  You also need backup.  You need someone to witness the smear campaign.  Do not go anywhere near a narc without a third person, ever.   This will even work at the office.  If Narc starts talking to you, say, "Hang on" and call another person over to witness the conversation.

When the narc is starting their smear campaign, smear back.  Hubby phoned the mutual friend and while telling the story of what happened that night asked questions such as, "Does a normal person hold the lock and not allow their son to get in?"

The first time the narc began her smear campaign, I fell for it.  She told people I stalked her and I want to "be her", so when I would phone them crying that I was not even sure what I did wrong, they would make excuse to get off the phone and some even blocked me.   I was acting just like she said I would and they thought that since I was calling them crying, just like she said I would, that what she said must be true.

I was prepared for the second round.  I did not know when it was coming, or what it would be, but I was not going to act as she thought I would.  I tried to stay out of any interaction with her as much as possible and allow other people to help me.  This allowed them to see what was going on and when she phoned them to smear me, they had been involved and knew more about the situation.   She could not make up random lies to help her story because they had been involved.

The narc ended up refusing to take her son back.   He stayed with me until his college semester started, then he lived on campus.  After having some time away at school, he decided it was best if he stayed with his dad on holidays and no longer lives in the narc's house.

The sad thing is what he said to me once.  He was missing his mom and he said, "You know, I saw what she did to you.  I knew the lies she was telling people.  I heard the original conversation, and I heard the lies she was using, trying to get people to never speak to you again, and I thought she was capable of anything if she could lie like that.  I just never thought she was capable of shutting her own son out of her life".

How sad.

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