Monday, March 6, 2017

Your Mom Is A Narcissist - She Doesn't Love Me - Mourning Your Mom

We all children of narcissists experience that moment when we realize that our mom is not normal and does not love us like other people's mom's do.  I recall my realization.  We were on vacation and at a table near us, there was a mom and dad.  They were talking to their child about her ability to dive.  They said that while she had only taken a few lessons, she seemed to be a really good diver and was better than the other kids staying in their hotel.  They asked her if she wanted to continue lessons even if it meant working hard to advance her skill.  She said she enjoyed diving and she did want to keep taking lessons.  Her parents nodded.   I recall feeling a tinge of jealousy.  My parents did not care what I was good at.  I wanted gymnastic lessons so badly, but I never got them.  My parents did not know or care what I was good at.

We headed back to the car and the second the door closed, my narc mom started complaining about the family.  She said they were "spoiling" that child, that she would end up on death row.  She talked about the mom, she talked about the dad and she talked about the "brat" as she called her.  That was the day that I realized that my parents did not love me the way other families love their kids.

It was many years later when the line was drawn in the sand.  My mom had not spoken to me for years and had not told me why.  Two years into my punishment, a friend of theirs from church walked up to me and asked me how my dad was doing and I did not know.  I dared to tell someone from her church that she was less than perfect and if you know a narcissist, you know that I started a war with those words.

From that day on, my parents did not speak to me because "I lied".  Even though it was the truth, they said the relationship was severed because I had lied about them.  Still not understanding what a narcissist was, I had a childhood friend try to contact them for me.  They met her with anger.  Not only did they meet her with anger, they used a flying monkey to call me and tell me how terrible it was that I wanted to have a relationship with my family.

What my mom did to me is called stonewalling.  It is when a narc decides to punish you by refusing to speak to you or acknowledge you, and my mom is very good at it.

I made a really hard decision that day.  I decided that if my mom stonewalled me until my dad could not longer speak, that I would not allow her back in my life.  I knew that my mom likes appearances and she was going to want me at my dad's funeral.  At some point, she was going to call me, blame me, then demand an apology and say it was time to move on, that I had paid enough.   If she did it when I could reason with my dad, I would accept what she said even though I knew what she was doing.

My mom didn't call. She sent me an email.  My mom emailed me within hours of my father's death.  He couldn't speak and he was barely breathing and she chose then to shoot me "the email".  I did not acknowledge the email.  I decided that she did not bother to tell me that she was not speaking to me while I begged her answering machine to pick up, so I did not bother to answer her.  She even had the nerve to email me that I needed to be at the funeral 2 hours early.  

Mourning Your Narcissist Mom While She Is Still Alive

This was so hard for me.  My dad was dead and I would never have a normal loving mom.  I had a very hard decision to make.  I decided that the price I had to pay was too great.  She stole the last four years of my dad's life from me and my kids.  I did not want her in my life.  I decided to continue the no contact that she started.   She slammed the door on me and I nailed it shut.  I will never speak to her again.

Now I am left with a hole.  People talk about their great parents and I have none.  I lost my dad and I lost the mom I always wanted but will never have.

I decided to mourn my mom the way I would mourn a dead person.  I wrote her a letter telling her everything she did to me.  It was seven pages long and started when I was two years old and she blamed me for her bad parenting when I accidentally cut off the tip of my sister's finger in a piece of furniture.  She left me home alone that night and I was scared to death.  I wrote about it.  I wrote that I wanted I wanted in a mom but would never get.  I wrote about a mom that would love to help me out when I was in preterm labor and a mom that wanted to see her grandson get his Eagle Scout status.  I wrote about a mom that wanted us in her life.  A mom I would never have.

I kept that letter a few days and added to it as I felt the need.  It ended up being nine pages long.  Nine pages of disappointment.  I bought a helium balloon and made a cross out of two sticks.  I walked into the woods and read the letter to my mom.  I buried the letter.  I put the cross into the ground, but then decided that my mom did not deserve a cross, and I located a nearby rock and placed it on her letter's grave.

I held the balloon in my hands and said, "This is the mom I always wanted and will never have.  I am letting go of the relationship and you are dead and your spirit is lifting up and away from me with this balloon".

I mourned my mom.  You might need to mourn your mom too, and I would encourage you to make the service as specific and personal as you can.  You wanted a kind loving mom and for some reason, you will never get that mom.  So release the spirit of the mom you wanted.

Whether you go no contact at that point is up to you. If you want to keep the narcissist mom in your life, just know that you mourned the mom that you wanted, and she is dead and gone.  Your mom will never be a good mom and if you choose to allow her in your life, that is personal and up to you.

1 comment:

  1. Wow....familiar story. I would look at pictures when I was a baby or young child and it looked like she loved me...somewhere around the time I was pre-adolescent something changed. I have no idea what, but it changed. Apparently, I wasn't the social butterfly that she had hoped for. Of at that age you are awkward and not your prettiest. I know when I was Really young, but was allowed to play with the kids in the neighborhood, I seldom if ever had anyone at my house, I always played at their houses. If I had someone over, it was uncomfortable with my mother. She didn't approve of my first husband because he was below us socially. No matter what I chose to do with my life....I would often receive the Ohhhhhhh....which was said with disdain. As the years went on she favored my son over my daughter...which let me to believe she didn't like girls. Then my father had a heart attack and was ordered by his doctor to retire from work. Once he retired she kept working full time. My father and I became close and spent time together. Well, pretty soon she decided they should move to FL for his health. I didn't realize it at the time but years later I came to the conclusion that she was jealous of me. So, still in denial I followed them to FL not so much that I wanted to be near them, but because I was sick of the long miserable cold New England winters.....So, now I move to Fl and things are pretty good. Once my father died, she started getting grumpy and even had some issues with friends she played bridge with. Then I am on the phone with her one day explaining the problem at work with a temp we had come in to help out. My mother accused me of bringing on the problem myself with the temp. As much as I tried to explain....she dug her heels in and finally out of anger and exasperation, I told her to go to hell and hung up the phone. This was in November....or maybe after Thanksgiving, but we had a lovely Christmas without the months went by I was so relieved that I not longer had to talk with her about anything. The only thing that kept me on edge was hoping I wouldn't run into her while out doing errands. Then in July she is diagnosed with terminal cancer. She went into the hospital and instructed them not to release any information to me or to allow me to visit her. So, she made arragements with long time friends to come and stay with her and take care of her until she died. Once they arrived she took them to the attorney that did her living trust. She changed her trust to a will and specifically wrote me out. She gave her house to her friends and her car to their daughter....meanwhile my daughter was driving a junk and could have used her car. Then she set aside a couple of thousand dollars each for my son and was in her bank account. When my mother went into Hospice...these friends took $3,000 out of their money and used it to pay hospice. A lady at the bank called me and told me to have the kids take their money out before they lost it all. The final slap was when she wrote me out of her will. Specifically saying that I was to receive nothing except one dollar. She did leave the contents of the house to my son and daughter. All of this because I told her to go to hell...