Monday, March 6, 2017
Your Mom Is A Narcissist - She Doesn't Love Me - Mourning Your Mom
We all children of narcissists experience that moment when we realize that our mom is not normal and does not love us like other people's mom's do. I recall my realization. We were on vacation and at a table near us, there was a mom and dad. They were talking to their child about her ability to dive. They said that while she had only taken a few lessons, she seemed to be a really good diver and was better than the other kids staying in their hotel. They asked her if she wanted to continue lessons even if it meant working hard to advance her skill. She said she enjoyed diving and she did want to keep taking lessons. Her parents nodded. I recall feeling a tinge of jealousy. My parents did not care what I was good at. I wanted gymnastic lessons so badly, but I never got them. My parents did not know or care what I was good at.
We headed back to the car and the second the door closed, my narc mom started complaining about the family. She said they were "spoiling" that child, that she would end up on death row. She talked about the mom, she talked about the dad and she talked about the "brat" as she called her. That was the day that I realized that my parents did not love me the way other families love their kids.
It was many years later when the line was drawn in the sand. My mom had not spoken to me for years and had not told me why. Two years into my punishment, a friend of theirs from church walked up to me and asked me how my dad was doing and I did not know. I dared to tell someone from her church that she was less than perfect and if you know a narcissist, you know that I started a war with those words.
From that day on, my parents did not speak to me because "I lied". Even though it was the truth, they said the relationship was severed because I had lied about them. Still not understanding what a narcissist was, I had a childhood friend try to contact them for me. They met her with anger. Not only did they meet her with anger, they used a flying monkey to call me and tell me how terrible it was that I wanted to have a relationship with my family.
What my mom did to me is called stonewalling. It is when a narc decides to punish you by refusing to speak to you or acknowledge you, and my mom is very good at it.
I made a really hard decision that day. I decided that if my mom stonewalled me until my dad could not longer speak, that I would not allow her back in my life. I knew that my mom likes appearances and she was going to want me at my dad's funeral. At some point, she was going to call me, blame me, then demand an apology and say it was time to move on, that I had paid enough. If she did it when I could reason with my dad, I would accept what she said even though I knew what she was doing.
My mom didn't call. She sent me an email. My mom emailed me within hours of my father's death. He couldn't speak and he was barely breathing and she chose then to shoot me "the email". I did not acknowledge the email. I decided that she did not bother to tell me that she was not speaking to me while I begged her answering machine to pick up, so I did not bother to answer her. She even had the nerve to email me that I needed to be at the funeral 2 hours early.
Mourning Your Narcissist Mom While She Is Still Alive
This was so hard for me. My dad was dead and I would never have a normal loving mom. I had a very hard decision to make. I decided that the price I had to pay was too great. She stole the last four years of my dad's life from me and my kids. I did not want her in my life. I decided to continue the no contact that she started. She slammed the door on me and I nailed it shut. I will never speak to her again.
Now I am left with a hole. People talk about their great parents and I have none. I lost my dad and I lost the mom I always wanted but will never have.
I decided to mourn my mom the way I would mourn a dead person. I wrote her a letter telling her everything she did to me. It was seven pages long and started when I was two years old and she blamed me for her bad parenting when I accidentally cut off the tip of my sister's finger in a piece of furniture. She left me home alone that night and I was scared to death. I wrote about it. I wrote that I wanted I wanted in a mom but would never get. I wrote about a mom that would love to help me out when I was in preterm labor and a mom that wanted to see her grandson get his Eagle Scout status. I wrote about a mom that wanted us in her life. A mom I would never have.
I kept that letter a few days and added to it as I felt the need. It ended up being nine pages long. Nine pages of disappointment. I bought a helium balloon and made a cross out of two sticks. I walked into the woods and read the letter to my mom. I buried the letter. I put the cross into the ground, but then decided that my mom did not deserve a cross, and I located a nearby rock and placed it on her letter's grave.
I held the balloon in my hands and said, "This is the mom I always wanted and will never have. I am letting go of the relationship and you are dead and your spirit is lifting up and away from me with this balloon".
I mourned my mom. You might need to mourn your mom too, and I would encourage you to make the service as specific and personal as you can. You wanted a kind loving mom and for some reason, you will never get that mom. So release the spirit of the mom you wanted.
Whether you go no contact at that point is up to you. If you want to keep the narcissist mom in your life, just know that you mourned the mom that you wanted, and she is dead and gone. Your mom will never be a good mom and if you choose to allow her in your life, that is personal and up to you.