Thursday, April 6, 2017

Key Point #2 Does the Narcissist Miss You?

This is a complicated answer.  First off, if you are asking this question, first ask yourself if you are projecting your feelings onto the narcissist.  Do you miss the narcissist and wish they miss you?  This is a dangerous situation, because you are vulnerable when you feel this way.  The first step is to realize that you miss the lie you were sold, not the narcissist himself.  The lie you were sold is NOT the narcissist, but the persona he or she made up to catch you.

Narcissist do not feel emotions they way normal people do.  A narcissists acts from ego, and does not experience the loss and longing that you feel.

You feel a sense of sadness and longing for the perfect person you first met.  You want that relationship back, you miss the lie you were sold.  So what does a narcissist feel when you initiate no contact?

Some narcissists feel anger when you initiate no contact.  This reaction can be the same no matter who the narcissist is in your life.  I made the mistake of telling my narcissist that I was no longer speaking to her, and her initial reaction was to send me back an email with the heading "Drama Queen".  I did not read it.  I deleted it because I said I was going no contact and I meant it.   My narcissist was trying to blame me for the no contact out of anger.  Your narc can show the anger, or they can hide it.  If your narc shows anger with violence, please immediately phone the police.  This is not something to play with, it is a dangerous person that can be capable of hurting you.  The narcissist felt you were their property or under their control and you just set a boundary.  This is going to make the narcissist angry.

The anger can cause the narc to decide to implement revenge motives.  Please be careful of these.  Revenge motives can vary by the narc.  While one may decide to try to win you back, another may decide to try to beat some sense into you.  Either way, you can't fall for these tricks.   You set the boundary, the narcissist will try to get you to remove that boundary because the narcissist believes you are an extension of him or her and therefore incapable of independent thought.  A narcissist believes they are god's gift to you, and therefore you need to come to your senses and fall back into line.  The fact that you refuse makes him or her angry.

Out of this anger, the narc might try to allow you to go no contact and to refuse to talk to you also.  The narcissist does not miss you, but they know that you miss them and they plan to use this against you!  By withdrawing all contact, the narcissist believes you will realize that he or she is god's gift to you and you will come running back.  If your narc gives you the silent treatment, consider yourself lucky and make sure you block all avenues of contact.

If you have not blocked all avenues of contact, you are not truly no contact, you are playing games trying to win the narc back.  I know that is hard to hear, but unless you have kids with your narc and are required to have some form of communications (god bless you), you cannot say you are no contact and have anything unblocked.

Leaving any avenue open is setting you up for heartbreak!  When the narc does not contact you, the victim, you begin to feel rejected and become in danger of contacting the narc yourself!  Do not fall for this.  By leaving even one open avenue, you are setting yourself up to feel like it was all your fault and that is exactly what the narc wants.

Some may be involved with a narc who comes to you and states that they are truly changed.  They have seen the error of their ways!  They want to come back to you, the love of their life and they miss you. They promise to change, they promise to go back to being the made up lie they sold you.  They will promise anything to get you to take them back again!  Do not fall for it, in their mind, they want to come back to you not because they miss you, but because getting new supply will cost time and money and they want something from you now.  The narc knows what you want and will try to become that at least until they can find new supply and break your heart again.

So no, the narcissist does not miss you in the way that you miss him or her.  If the narc is your parent, I encourage you to read my article on mourning the mom or dad you always wanted and never had.

If the narc is a partner, I just want to tell you that you are worth more than this!  You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you.  Someone who wants to learn about you over time and wants to see you happy.  Someone who wants to learn your favorite color and favorite activities.

And one last question.  What would happen if the person who wants to love you for who you are comes along and stumbles across you and the narc?  What if he or she thinks, "Oh, they are in a relationship, so I guess I will have to find someone else".  I encourage you not to waste your time with someone who is not right for you.

For more support read How to Get Over the Narc

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