I had a friend one time go through a really rough divorce from a narc. They were in their late 30's and she found out he was seeing an 18 year old who was living on her own. When confronted, he left and she began divorce proceedings. Divorce in that state was not the most difficult around, but there was a process and it was not immediate.
My friend would phone me and tell me all about her husband wanting to get back with her. He would tell her on the phone that he made a huge mistake, that he wanted to come "talk". These talks always ended in sex, then he would go back to his girlfriend's house. She would then phone me saying things like, "Guess what, my husband said his New Year's Resolution is to come home to me!"
At the time, I wanted to smack her. The narc was getting sex from two women and stringing her along, keeping her from meeting anyone else with his promises to get back together. For some reason, she could not see through his lies. She could not see that she was being used for sex and that he didn't want her to move on and find someone who loved her for who she was.
So what do you do if your narc leaves you for someone, then contacts you and says he is torn between the two of you?
He may blame you and this is typical, but it is not your fault. His lack of integrity has nothing to do with you, it is HIS or HER lack of integrity. Nothing you did made your partner sleep with someone else.
So what do you do when your cheating narc contacts you and says he still loves you and somehow wants to make it work? You need to realize what he is doing. I know part of you wants to get even with the new supply and sleep with him just so he cheats on her too, but that will do no good for any of you except the narc. Do NOT sleep with him.
If your narc says he is torn and he wants to make things work out with you, give him some rules.
Rule #1 You cannot live with another person while working on a relationship.
This rule is not open to interpretation. He must move out of the new lover's space before he can begin to work on things with you. He will have a million reasons why this rule does not apply to him, but it is the simplest and most basic rule. You deserve someone who loves you and you alone, not someone who spends their life cheating on you.
Rule #2 No sex
This is the hardest one because 9 times out of 10, the narc is using you for sex that he or she is not getting from the new supply. If your narc moves out of the new supply's house and you do want to work things out, you must work on the relationship without sex before adding it back in. Tell him or her that you have taken a year vow of celibacy and that you have no intent on sleeping with anyone prior to that vow being up. A person who wants to be with you will wait for you. A narc who is using you for sex will try to get you to break that vow because they want sex and not the relationship.
Narcs have trouble with day to day boredom. They want new and exciting all the time, by forcing them into the day to day "boredom" the true colors will show.
Rule #3 Public dates only for 9 months.
If the cheating narc wants to work on your relationship, they need to take you to public places and the costs of dinners etc, needs to be on them. You are not the narc's wallet at this point, he or she is trying to win you back, so it's not going to be on your dime and you are best off to keep things in public. This way, you are lessening the chances that the narc is going to try to bring over too much beer, get you emotional then have sex.
Rule #4 The narc may not see anyone else
If your narc has cheated on you, you have every right to spy to find out if they are seeing others during this "win me back" phase. This phase lasts for a year, and if your narc has gone that year without cheating on you, then you can start to relax the rules, but chances are, the narc isn't going to last a year without cheating, and you have every right to spy during this year to see if he or she is lying. They broke your trust. You did not cheat. You deserve to know if the narc is really changing or not.
I know these sound harsh, but if you don't want a lifetime of being worried that you may have an STD, you need to show the narc that you are not going to put up with any cheating at all. You need full access to their phone and email during this time and you need to know where he or she is when they are not at home. This will not stop a true narc from cheating, but it could prove to you that this narc is not worth your time and that you deserve someone who loves you and someone who feels that you are enough.
You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.
For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc
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