Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Key Point # 6 - What is a Golden Child? - The Narcissist Mom's Curse

Narcissist mom's are not capable of loving all of their children equally, or making them all feel loved.  A mom's job is to find your child's talents and help develop them, but a narc mom won't do this. She picks a single child to become the Golden Child and the rest are scapegoats.  If you are the scapegoat, you may look at the golden child with jealousy because they had things their way all the time, but this is not a blessing.

A golden child does not learn that their actions have consequences, so therefore, they do not.  The golden child sees the world as a place where they can easily get their way and they do not understand why they can't skip college and be the CEO of a great company.  Their mom has told them that they are great, why does the world not see this?

The scapegoat grows up seeing the golden child treated differently.

Want to go shopping?  The golden child will get the items they want.  I was slapped once for pointing out that my sister got all my hand me downs plus just as many new clothes as I got.  I was called ungrateful.  Maybe I was, but how is it fair that I have four outfits and she has eight?

Grocery shopping.  The kids in my house were expected to put away all groceries from a young age.  My narc mom only shopped once a month, so it was a huge chore.  The second we got home, golden child would grab a toy or book, lock herself into the only bathroom claiming she had to "make a big one".  She refused to come out until scapegoat had put away all the groceries.  When scapegoat pointed this out, narc mom would laugh and do nothing about it.

How about school.  The scapegoat needs to get good grades.  The golden child can cry that she tries her very best and doesn't get good grades and the narc mom says, "awww, she tried".  Meanwhile, the scapegoat gets yelled at for getting a B on her report card.

What about playing with friends?  The scapegoat will have more friends than the golden child.  No one wants to play with a kid that demands their way or gets you into trouble.  The Narc mom sees this and demands that scapegoats friends include golden child.  Scapegoats friends go home when they are told they have to include golden child.  Narc mom makes a special treat for golden child because she feels bad that golden child has no friends.  Golden child is told to eat it in front of scapegoat.  As punishment, scapegoat is told to go play with her friends, but narc knows they all went home.  We all know that the scapegoat must pay.

Golden child is playing with scapegoat and her friends and is demanding her own way.  One of the friends refuses to give golden child her way.  Golden child tries to push the kid, but the kid steps aside and golden child falls to the ground and bloodies her nose.  Scapegoat is punished and made to feel like the accident was her fault.  If her friends would only play nicely with golden child, it would never have happened.

The kids in the family are always told that if they sneak around, they will be kicked out of the house.  The scapegoat tries very hard to meet the parents approval, never being allowed to go go to birthday parties, Halloween parties or anything that could be called a party.   Meanwhile the golden child gets busted climbing out the window to go to a drinking party at age 16 and the parents just shrug their shoulders and wish out loud that she would behave.

The golden child is still living at home at the age of 18.  She somehow graduated from school and does not have a job.  The scapegoat has a job and goes to college, and the parents accuse her of never wanting to grow up.  Scapegoat gets lectured every day and told the story of a person who moved out the day after graduation, got her own apartment and a job that very day.  Scapegoat obviously does not want to grow up and move out.

The golden child gets pregnant.  The parents take the golden child out and buy her a maternity wardrobe.  When the hard working scapegoat points out that she was told that nothing would be given to her after she graduates from high school, she is called ungrateful.

The golden child doesn't want to upset the father so she refuses to get child support.  The parents nod and agree to pay for raising the child.  Why not.

Golden child lives with her parents until her daughter is about 7 years old, then she gets pregnant again by a mall rat with no job and marries him.  Their goal is to move in together, but since neither will get a job, it takes a while.  This was the first and only time Narc mom said no to golden child.  Golden child wanted baby daddy to move into the house with them and could not understand why narc mom and pushover dad did not want to take care of her entire family.  They took care of her and her child, why not her husband too?

ps:  A few months ago, I fact checked the story I was always told about the person who moved out the day after graduation, got an apartment that day and a job.  I phoned the person and told her the story.  She laughed.  She said it wasn't the day after graduation, but it probably was a month after.   She said her mom drove her into the city every day so that she could fill out applications.  She said her mom would drive the car around while she filled out applications and interviewed then pick her up outside.  She said they did this for about a month before she got a job offer.   She told me that when she got the job offer, her mom gave her 4 months rent and drove with her to the city to look for an apartment.  She said they made the deposit of first and last months rent on a studio apartment and that she used the other money to live off of until she got paid and could pay her own rent.   Big difference.

The relationship between the golden child and the scapegoat can be a difficult one.  First off, it appears that they were raised by two different sets of parents.  It might be possible to have a sibling relationship, and it might not.  The narc mom drives such a huge wedge between the two that it is possible that it might always be in the way.  Realize that how your sibling was treated was not their decision.  It helps to start very small.

This is where I went wrong.  I had not spoken to my sister in years because I felt we had nothing in common.  When I realized that my mom was a narc and had driven a huge wedge between me and my sibling, I sent my sister an email.  I apologized for allowing a person to dictate the relationship she had with me.  For some reason, I expected her to jump at the chance of a relationship with me, and I was shocked that she really didn't want one.   She would bring up our mother, then accuse me of "talking about her".  We once had a facebook conversation where I pasted back to her where she started the conversation and she became angry with me and said that she only wanted to hear "rainbows and unicorns" from me and nothing else.  So my sister said she only wants a shallow relationship with me and will not settle for anything else.  If I want a relationship with her at all, it will be her shallow relationship.  I had to go with it.  I wish I had a sister relationship where we talked about things and told each other our thoughts and dreams, but I never will.  I have to be happy with what she has chosen.  I will never have a sister that I can lean on in hard times and I blame myself as much as my narc mom for this.

Are you able to have a relationship with the golden child? If you want to know more about narcissism, here are some great books on amazon

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