Sunday, May 21, 2017

How To Spot A Narcissist While Dating

Dating can be fun, but it is also hard, especially when you fear you will end up with a narcissist.  There are some pretty easy ways to sort out a narcissist.    A narcissist may vary his routine up a little, but in general, you will find that he or she does the following things.

#1 The goal is to get you to love him or her (and have sex)

How does this show up?  The narc wants to sell you a person that does not exist.  This lie they make up is the perfect person for you.  When you are on your first date, ask questions.  Narcs tend to have a script and want to follow it because they know it works.  If you start asking questions, it throws them off of their game.

You are on the first date with a narc.  He takes you to a nice restaurant and starts to sell himself.  He tells you his accomplishments, true or false and attempts to make himself out to be a good mate.  He tells you he is a long distance runner and runs each day for hours.  He tells you he was married once, but is a widow.  He hopes that you will assume his wife died while they were together and says it hurts him to talk about it.  You ask if he has kids and he says he has two that are 12 and 15.  He moves on quickly to tell you that his job involves a lot of travel.  You stop him and ask to go back to his kids and you ask if they live with him.  He says no, he lives alone, then he jumps back to his job.  Did you notice?  He is widowed but his kids do not live with him. Why not?  Do not allow him to speed over answers.  Do not allow him to stick to a script.  Ask questions and expect answers.  Chances are, he or she will not want to answer questions. Their goal for this date is to sell you the lie.  If they are to sell you a lie, they want to ask all the questions, they need to mould the lie into the perfect lie for YOU and they can't do that if you keep asking the wrong questions.

A first date is the time for you to decide if your personalities fit.  It is not a time for sex, it is not a time for seeing his apartment, it is not a time for being told he has loved you for months and is just now telling you.

A person that tells you he or she loves you on the first date is probably a narcissist.  Why?

#2 Narcissist are in a hurry. 

 The narcissist goal is to get you to love him or her and have sex.  The narcissist is not willing to wait for either.  They will do something called love bombing.  Love bombing is when they decide they cannot live without you and that they want to talk to you or be near you often.  They will push for sex also.  A narcissist will send you dozens of texts during the day and talk about wanting to be near you.

The narc will need you to fall in love quickly!  He or she cannot move on with the plan if you do not fall in love!

So what do you do if you suspect love bombing?  Make the narc wait.  Tell him or her that you just want to take things slowly and that you have no intention of telling someone you love them for at least four months and that you might not even have sex for the next year.  If your date if just anxious and in love, he or she will respect that.  They love you and they respect you and they will still want to see you while waiting for you.  The narc wants to try to rush and have sex now if possible.  If not now, they want to know it will happen soon.  A friend once told me that after the first date, a narc sent her a pic of his private parts on the phone and suggested she see them in person for the second date and asked for pics of her.  She texted him back that she does not have sex on a second date and she was not the type of person to send dirty pics.  His response, "Then maybe you are not the right person for me :)"

Notice the smile at the end?  He gave himself away, then smiled.  He told her the truth, that he was not interested in her unless she was putting out, but he did it in a playful way so that he could accuse her of misreading it later.

#3 The Narcissist will slip up

Dating is the time when a man sells himself to a woman as a partner.  If you view dating as this, then it becomes easier to spot the narcs.  I saw one video where a guy said a date is a preview to the movie and sometimes the trailer looks really good, but the movie stinks.  Dating is your time to decide if the movie stinks.  I would suggest not having sex and not moving in until you have determined that the person you are dating truly loves you and wants to be with you.

I was with a friend once when her narc boyfriend phoned.  She did not yet know he was a narc, but he gave himself away during that call and she did not notice!  We went out to lunch. First off, he called and texted at least six times before she said she was going to have to take his call (impatience).  We walked to a quiet area where she could take his call and he claimed he "forgot" she was busy for lunch that day.  He then said he wanted to check to see if he got an email response from another lady he had been emailing...while on the phone to my friend.  He quickly followed it up with how much he loved her and bomb bomb bomb.  She ended the call and I asked her why she was dating someone who was "emailing another woman".  She didn't even recall hearing it!  She heard he loves her.  He told her he was seeing someone else, and she did not even hear it.  She said, "I'm sure it's innocent, he loves me".   She found out later, he was cheating and not with just that email woman.  Do not ignore the clues!

#4 The narcissist will love bomb you, but gets angry if you try to love bomb them.

You are in a meeting at work, and get a dozen or more emails and texts from the guy you are dating.  He sends flowers to your office.  He sends flowers to your home.  He makes sure everyone knows you are dating someone.  He goes on a business trip (where he is cheating on you, but you do not know), and you miss him, so you try to phone.  It's 7pm and he should be at his hotel room right now, but your call goes to voicemail.  You tell him you miss him and you will phone him later.  At 8pm, it's odd that he has not phoned you back (because he is with a side chick), and you phone again.  No answer.  At 10pm, before you go to bed, you text him that you love him and are going to bed and you will talk to him tomorrow.  When he phones you the next day, he blows.  How dare you phone him over and over when he is OBVIOUSLY busy!  He will lie that his son phoned and said he was depressed and he could not leave to talk to whiny you!  You are shocked.  When he wants to talk to you, he phones over and over and over with no regard to what you are doing, but now he is angry that you did the same back to him.  How dare you!

If this happens to you, it is best to break up with the person on that phone call.  Love bombing just ended and you will never see it again.

If you fear you are dating a narc, you will need to make goals in dating.

#1 Know the person and their family prior to having sex.

Be comfortable with the person and their family.  If they refuse to allow you to meet family, something is up.

#2 Be comfortable with your date's past

Does your date claim his ex wife is psycho?  Is she? Are you comfortable with knowing that she will be a part of your life if you date him?  What if he made her crazy?

#3 Know your date as a person

You do not have to love every past time your date does, but you do need to appreciate it.  Are they gone long weekends claiming to be doing the hobby but wont let you go?  Are they happy that you want to go and spend time with them even if you dont go on 100 mile bike rides?

#4 Know your dates friends

Does your date have friends that he or she hangs around without you?  That is fine for the first few months, but a serious date will want you to meet their friends.

Narcs want to rush to sex.  They want to rush you falling in love with him or her so they can move onto the next new person.  If you force them to slow down, narcs will not put up with it.  They will move on and a break up after a few dates is much easier than a break up after you have fallen in love with the narc and have his kid.  Do not allow them to rush!

You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.

For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc

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