Tuesday, May 9, 2017

She Did The Best She Could - Says The Flying Monkey Sent From Your Narc Mom

You finally have answers.  You found things on narcissism and you realize your mom is a narc.  Not only is your mom a narc, but you have a golden child sibling and your mom surrounds herself with flying monkeys that get to you when she can't.

You have mourned the mom you always wanted and have decided to either limit contact with your toxic mom or have gone no contact.  People figure out that you are not in contact with your mom and the comments start.

Your mom did the best she could.
She was abused when she was little.
Your mom had nothing and she gave you so much more.
Your mom loves you and misses you.

Mom's should support their kids, not try to control them.  Your mom does not understand this and she has set out her flying monkies to bring you back in line.  But wait....this is bait.  Do you fall for it?  Do you gossip about your mom?  How do you answer those types of questions?

The Phone
If the person is on the phone and brings up your mom the response is an easy one.  You say, "Hey, I'm kind of busy right now, can I call you back?".   You do not need to offer any reason for leaving beyond that. After they say, "ok", hang up.  You put the ball into your court too by asking if you can call them back.  If they call back, you can push it a little and say again, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I am still in the middle of something, I said I would call you back, would that be ok?".

As pitiful as it sounds, I learned this one first hand.  I had just moved 500 miles from home.  I had no friends and my spouse was working long hours.  I was walking outside one day and met the nicest girl.  I found out that we had a lot in common and I immediately wanted to be her friend.  She had just moved from California and her husband wasn't moving for a few more months.  She was alone too, with no one.  I was so excited that I had someone to talk to!  Apparently, she did not share in the enthusiasm.   I realized this, and decided that phoning her once a week to talk would be good. I looked forward to having someone to talk to all week. I was desperate to hear a voice, to interact with anyone.  I decided that I would phone her Wednesday mornings and hoped we could build a friendship.  I waited anxiously for Wednesday, wishing I had friends.   I phoned her and when she answered, she said, "Hey, I'm kinda busy, do you mind if I phone you back?".  My heart sank.  I knew she had no intention of phoning me back again, ever.  I knew that if I phoned her back, I would look like some weirdo stalker.  Sadly, that was our last conversation.  That conversation served to help me deal with narcs in my life, and I am glad to have had it.  Looking back, I do not think we were really a good fit as friends.  I think I was so lonely that anyone would have looked like a friend and I think that my desperation to have a social link offended her.  I think that once I made friends, she would have melted away and she realized that and had no interest in helping out someone who was desperately lonely.

I have also been on the other end and have had to say this to a person.  Believe it or not, she phoned me back thirty minutes later.  I was shocked, but then I realized, she had an agenda.  She was not phoning me to talk, she was phoning me because she was a flying monkey and she needed to report back to the boss.  I did not take her call at thirty minutes and over the next thirty minutes, she phoned me at least nine times.  I had a visitor at my house and my phone was ringing constantly and it was embarrassing.  I finally had to pick the phone up and tell her that I would need to call her back later.   She really tried to get me into conversation at that point, but I stood firm and said that I could not talk.

She said it would be ok if I phoned her back.  Within thirty minutes, she phoned me again.  This time, I blocked her call.  Why?

Because I set a boundary and she was ignoring that boundary.  I said I would phone her back.  Any normal, sane person would wait for my call back.  Her attempts to get me onto the phone were only so that she could run back to the narc with information.  I set a boundary, she will follow the boundary I set.  I said I would phone her back, and I did.   I phoned her back the next day.  By then, the wind was out of her sails and when I asked her what was so important that she could not allow me to speak to her when I had time to be fully present, she could not even give me a clear answer.  I am sure she was angry at having been put on ignore temporarily, but I set the boundary and she did not follow it.

The Internet
You log into facebook to find someone has pasted you the long rant your mom has posted about missing you, wishing you well, not understanding why you have cut out your only family, etc etc.  The important thing is to see this post for what it is, and that is BAIT.  Your mom needs to be the victim and we all know that narcs are really good at playing the victim.  You do not have to follow my advice here, but I would say ignore it and the person that sent it to you.  Realize that the person who forwarded you this post may be a flying monkey.  Does this person have good intentions towards you? Remember, you do not need to tell everyone details.  You can simply respond, "Wow, that looks desperate, what kind of a person posts that?"  Or you can choose to ignore it all together. No one says you have to respond to anything.  What you do not want to do is respond to the bait.  Let the narc play the victim.  It's ok.  It really is.  It's ok if some people think you are an ungrateful child.  The world will not end.  If you take their bate and get into it with this person, everything you said will be shared with friends, relatives and strangers and you will look worse than you would have if you had ignored it.

In Person
This is the most difficult.  You host your child's birthday party and did not invite the narc because you are no contact.  Someone at the party walks up to you and starts talking about how your mom loves you and wants to be in your life.  If this is not a family member, the response is pretty simple.  You say, "I'm sorry, but I don't discuss family issues with people outside the family, you do understand don't you?".  I like asking them to respond.  By asking them to respond, they are risking looking crazy if they keep bringing it up.  Just like the person on the phone, you have ended this conversation and any attempts to restart it make this person look insane.
Relatives are a different story.  You can respond that it's between you and your mom and ask them if they understand, but because they are family, you will not get the same reaction as you would with a non-family member.  I find that the best response is this:

Hey, we are having a really good time today, and I don't want to spoil it with a discussion like that.  If you want to talk to me about my mom, maybe we can discuss it over coffee at a later time, would that be ok?   When they respond, say, "I am so glad you understand, I wouldnt want you to make my guests uncomfortable".

You have turned it around on them.  First, you said you would discuss it at a later non-specific date and not at any gathering.  You said you would discuss it ALONE, one on one with them, not at their kid's birthday.  You made them agree to it by asking if it was ok, then you stated that if they bring it up again, it would make your guests uncomfortable.  We wouldn't want that now would we?

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1 comment:

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