Tuesday, May 2, 2017

If Your Narcissist Won't Let Go

Some narcissist discard you, then play games trying to get you back, but there is a form of narc that refuses to let you go.

 Have you ever read a story in the newspaper of a narc spouse or boyfriend killing his sig other stating, "If I can't have her, no one can". This is a different type of narc and you may have problems. The traditional view of "just don't talk to him" isn't going to work for you.You will need a different approach that might involve the police.

 First off, if you are not safe, phone the police right now. Get measures in place to protect you. Realize that his man can kill you and that your protection comes first. Do not delay in phoning.

If you do not have kids with the narc:

Your job will be easier.  Talk to your local police about what to do if he shows up at your job.   Change your phone number today.  Give your new number only to people you know will not give it to him.  There is no reason to take calls from him.   If you fear for your life, it is time to think about changing jobs and moving.   At the very least, try to get away if he seems agitated.   Take a weekend trip or stay with a friend for a few days.   You need to be firm.  If he comes near you, phone the police immediately.  The firmer you are at the start, the more likely it is that he will move on at some point.  Try not to let him see you and do not become involved in his games.  Phone the police and if needed, move.

If you have kids with the narc:

Your situation is more difficult because you are required to have contact with the narc.  Consider arranging for someone else to drop off and pick up your kids.   It can be done.  I know a person whose cousin is in charge of meeting at a park to pick up and drop off her kids for dad's time.

Next, get a burner phone for him to call.  Change your number.  He is to only call the burner phone to talk to the kids, or talk to you about the kids.  Get an email address for him to email things that are not a priority.  You can choose your own email or you can make one that goes to your smart phone.  The key is to read his emails to see if they are important.  If he calls nightly to say goodnight to the kids, great, he can call the burner phone.  He does not get your personal number.  He does not need it.  When he is with the kids, keep the burner on you so that if there is an emergency, he can call you.

You can look at phone plans here:

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Send him an email telling him the rules for speaking with you.  If it is not a priority, he is to email.  Tell him what priority means to you.  In general if it is something that needs immediate attention, he can phone, but be careful of him putting things off until they require attention just so he can phone.  It is your job to set boundaries with him and you need to make them firm.  If you feel unsafe, phone the police immediately.

Make sure he has the boundaries in writing in an email.  If you are not allowing him to come to your home, he needs to know what will happen if he does.  It is best if you shut down your social media accounts for a while.  If he is a true stalker, he will find a way to know what you are doing.  If you don't want to shut yours down and do not fear for your life, you can also gray rock.

What does gray rock mean?  It means you become boring to anyone that would let him know what is going on.  Go into your facebook and set up an acquaintance list.  Anyone who talks to him is an acquaintance.  Now change your posts to "Friends except Acquaintance".    This means they cannot see your posts.  You become boring.  It appears to them that you do not post.   Still, if you fear for your life, shut the thing down.  Is it better to be alive or to post today's weather for everyone to see?

Remember, it is going to be your job to set the boundaries and the police's job to make sure they are followed.  If he shows up at your work, phones you 100 times a day or steps over the boundaries, phone the police.  Your job is to keep him at arms length and stay alive.

You deserve someone who feels that you are enough.

For more support, read How to Get Over the Narc

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